How To Deal When Your Buttons Get Pushed

Is Anger Better than Guilt, Fear, Shame or Hopelessness?

2010-05-29T16:22:00.000-07:00

Wesley was angry about everything including being angry

Although not entirely unexpected the call at 5:00a.m. informing Wesley of his brother’s death was startling. The shock was soon replaced by waves of fury. Wesley was angry that he had to fly across the country for the funeral instead of using the money for a family vacation. He was angry that he had no opportunity to say goodbye to his brother. He was angry that his mother didn’t alert him in time.

Anger seemed the best way to avoid feeling anything !

Most of all, Wesley was angry that he had to feel anything at all. He didn’t want to feel sad. He didn’t want to feel the loss. He didn’t want to feel bad for his father. He didn’t want to feel concerned about his sister and how she would cope. He didn’t want to feel the inconvenience of having to turn his life upside down for a while. He just wanted to numb it all away.

Wesley was proud of using anger to keep a lid on all other feelings

A hard coating of anger protected Wesley from all the feelings he wanted to avoid. He never wanted to relive those moments from his childhood when he heard his mother cry uncontrollably and felt helpless to do anything for her. He was determined to prevent any repetition of those times when his father tried to cover his fear with bravado when ever his wife threatened to leave.

Feelings were overwhelming, ugly, scary things that made him feel powerless, lost, and vulnerable to ‘losing it.’ Wesley took pride in keeping ‘ a lid on’ so that he could maintain his sense of being in control. The tighter the lid, the more irritable and angry he became. Anyone trying to reach him was swatted away with a curt, short tone of voice.

Anger was Wesley's only weapon against feeling like a nut case

But underneath, Wesley was hurting bad. The tears were welling up, and the lump in his throat almost choked him. He couldn’t let himself feel anything up close because it was too big for him, and he imagined it was too much for everyone else too. He believed that if he allowed himself to feel any of the messy emotions churning around inside him, it would make him into a ‘basket case.’ No one would want to have anything to do with a ‘basket case,’ so best to keep that lid firmly on top of the raging emotions. Drink them down, eat them away, busy them off the radar screen - anything but feel them.

Anger robbed Wesley of the cure to his emotional turmoil

The rage became more pronounced when no one came to comfort Wesley. Everyone tiptoed around him, trying to pick up chores as a way of showing their understanding. Wesley’s anger not only kept a lid on his feelings, but created a thick wall between him and his loved ones. Giving the impression that he was strong and could handle things using anger as a power source, denied him the very antidote to his turbulent emotions -comfort, understanding and stability.

Anger may feel powerful but it robs you of companionship and love

The plan to numb himself out worked against Wesley. He found that while one part of him was defending himself against massive emotional upheaval, another part of him was expecting his loved ones to penetrate the thick wall and accurately tune into him, offering him solace. He wanted them to feel his pain, fear, sadness and need for comfort so he didn’t have to feel it himself. He could bypass the shameful feelings that crushed him, while experiencing it second hand through those around him. Let others show their sadness, their worry for him, their fear that he may not get over it. Let them feel the uncertainty of fear, panic and grief. He was not about to go anywhere near it himself.

Anger leads to loneliness and despair

When his loved ones were unable to breach the wall he put up, and gave up trying to comfort him, Wesley became more enraged until loneliness and despair overtook him. That’s when he felt ready to work on his anger in therapy. Wesley’s feelings of heartbreak and despair gave him an opening to explore his overwhelming that threatened to wipe him out.

Sharing feelings brings security and reduces the need for anger

It was his feelings and wishes for comfort and reassurance that opened the door to Wesley’s discoveries:

It takes courage to admit to your feelings and sit with them.
People empathize by using common feelings that are human, not weak or ugly.
Owning your feelings means you can show them to others in an open way.
Showing feelings openly brings genuine connection, comfort, security and calmness.
Bad feelings are lessened and good feelings come to take their place.
Anger isn’t a useful way of feeling powerful or avoiding helplessness.
Feeling understood, secure and cared for reduces the need for anger as a way to demand from others what you are too scared to face yourself.

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What's The Best Way Of Expressing Your Anger?

2010-01-08T16:46:00.000-08:00

Do you feel ashamed when you lash out at the people you love the most? Do you wish you could erase it for ever and be free of this beastly emotion? That’s because there is a taboo against feeling and expressing anger, particularly if done in a loud, over the top and explosive way. We don’t like to think of ourselves as uncontrolled and irrational. When our hot buttons get pushed beyond what we can manage we feel scared that we have let ourselves down, that others will think badly of us and that we may never recover our good image.

Do you prefer showing your anger by giving someone the silent treatment?
Now think of the time when a friend didn’t return your calls and you felt angry at being ignored. Perhaps you didn’t answer the phone when your friend did eventually call you back. You wanted to get your own back and punish your friend. It is a conscious and premeditated act of anger. Somehow this way of releasing anger is more acceptable, but not necessarily better for the relationship.

Do you let your anger stew until the moment when you can do the most damage?
Imagine the last time you pretended you had a headache when your partner reached out for physical contact, affection or sex. You may not have remembered what you were angry about anymore, but the urge to regain the upper hand led you to strike back just when your partner was most vulnerable. It stewed and frothed and fermented until just the right moment. It is fury made to smell a little sweeter to you the injured party, who needs to feel in charge again.

Do you feel better when you react to anger by laying a guilt trip on the one upsetting you?
Have you ever forgotten a loved one’s birthday or a special anniversary? Did your loved one make snide comments designed to make you feel guilty? Their anger at your lapse of memory came out in a sneaky but very effective way. It humiliated you and may have roused your anger. Laying on the guilt may have made your loved one feel superior for a little while, but making you feel small just drove a huge wedge between you.

The good news and bad news about Venting anger
Venting rage releases tension in the short term and gives you a temporary sense of power and control, but does nothing to address the triggers that push your buttons. The power and control is so short lived that you have to erupt again just to get that feeling back. So you are caught in a vicious circle of becoming enraged and trampling everything around you. You never learn how to deal with your discomfort and have to live with this monster that comes out of you every now and then. In the long run you create fear and push people away. You can end up lonely and deprive yourself of the chance to be heard and fix the problems.

Good news and bad news about taking vengeance and laying on the guilt trip
Punishing those that have hurt and upset you by withdrawing love, or piling on the guilt gives you immense power and control. The powerful feeling lasts longer than venting, and you get the pleasure of doing to others what they did to you. But the damage you do to your relationships is more serious and less easy to repair - for the simple reason that you deliberately set out to hurt in order to avenge your anger. The stress that gets put on the relationship removes layers of trust and openness.

The most productive way of expressing anger
The first step is to acknowledge that you have a right to feel angry. That small but vital permission will lessen the chances of your explosive monster coming out and shaming you.

Next, talk to the person who provoked your anger and tell them what it’s like for you when they say or do things that enrage you.

Then find out what the person’s intentions were and revisit your response. Are you still as angry or do you feel less personally attacked?

It may not be easy to follow these steps but you will improve with practice. Honoring your anger instead of using it to feel big or punish others improves communication and builds strong and durable relationship bonds.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Whats the real reason you get mad when you don't get what you want?

2009-11-29T11:39:00.000-08:00

I do what you want, but you never let me do what I want!
Henry had his heart set on the new plasma TV, but Louise wondered whether it was the best way of spending money at this point. There were important house repairs to consider.

Henry blew up. “ You never let me have what I want! When you wanted to go to Malta I agreed because I knew what that meant to you. I let you choose the living room furniture even though I hated it. Yet when something is important to me you pour cold water all over it, and make me feel selfish.”

You just want to stack up points to use against me!
“ I’m sick of your whining. You have the money. You can buy whatever you want. I don’t know why you bother asking for my approval. You just do it to stack up points that you can beat me with when I don’t agree with you.” Louise retaliated with fury to being manipulated.

Henry was torn between feeling selfish and being a burden
Henry had been angry a long time. As far back as he could remember his sick younger brother Samuel got all the free passes at home. His father gave into Samuel’s tantrums to keep him happy. His mother was torn between making sure Sam was doing okay, and trying to take care of her husband. Henry was expected to be the good son who never needed nor wanted anything other than the basics.

Henry became furious when his carefully thought out plan failed
The injustice of his childhood kept the anger smouldering on a bed of hot coals that was constantly stoked up. He got more and more furious that even when he didn’t have to compete with a needy brother, he still didn’t get what he needed. Henry made a deal with himself. If he let his wife have what she wanted even if he didn’t like it himself, then he would be entitled to expect the same from her.

Henry’s plan didn’t work. Louise didn’t buy into his scheme. Henry’s rage grew fiercer and the relationship became a battle ground. Henry refused to give himself permission to enjoy things he could get for himself, and Louise refused to be put in the role of the bad guy who spoiled his life.

How can Henry and Louise stop the cycle of anger that interferes with their intimacy?
Henry needs to get clear on what his anger is really about. His anger is not about the car. It is about not knowing where he stands with Louise and trying to figure it out.

Henry should share with Louise his feelings of guilt, unworthiness and rage at never feeling secure enough to be able to legitimize his own wants and needs.

Louise should try and hear it as part of Henry’s issue rather than take it personally and strike back. She can then share her hurt when he puts her in the role of judge and jury.

When Henry and Louise feel and hear each other’s hurt, anger and frustration, they have begun to take a new journey together towards satisfying the hunger they both have to be seen as good, worthy and lovable people.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2009

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Are You Mad That Someone From The Past Is Coming To Ruin Your Future?

2009-11-01T11:23:00.000-08:00

A request by his friends makes Cliff feel bitterly betrayed
The wedding invitations were going out and Cliff refused to ask Floyd to attend. He hated the guy and wanted nothing to do with him. His buddies tried to get him to change his mind. They reminded him of the good times they all had as high schoolers. They brought back memories of the time when Cliff thought Floyd was the man! Floyd used to be the ticket to get into night clubs, hot parties and booze.

Bad memories cast an angry shadow over Cliff's wedding
Cliff remembered the times when Floyd ruled his life. He did everything Floyd said so he could have access to the good life. At that time he made a deal with himself that he would put up with taking the ribbing and humiliation. It made Floyd feel good, and if Floyd felt good it meant that he would include Cliff in his plans. Floyd used Cliff’s eagerness to be in his world to boss him around.

Holding on to grudges nearly lost Cliff his best friends
Cliff’s life took him to another part of the country. He began to stand up for himself and get what he wanted for himself. He felt good, strong and his own man. Until the time for his wedding came around. The shadow of Floyd loomed large over his upcoming celebration. Just the thought of Floyd being around made him yell at his friends for bringing Floyd back into the picture. A gigantic hot button was pushed when Floyd’s name was mentioned.

Years and years of holding onto the grudge made Cliff lose control. He called them traitors and didn’t speak to them for weeks. A rift threatened to spoil his big day. He relived every moment that Floyd had made him feel like a loser. Each memory stoked his sense of power. He was pumped with a determination to put an end to the abuse Floyd had inflicted on him.

Cliff's emotions got hijacked by old grudges, turning him into a killer
When Floyd called out of the blue to ask why he hadn’t been invited to the wedding Cliff hit hard. He punched and jabbed and poked and floored Floyd with his surprise attack. The years of holding in grudges silenced Floyd. Cliff felt so good! He was drunk with power and vengeance. So different to the shame he used to feel.

Cliff allowed years of festering grudge to build up his courage. The only way he could feel entitled to protect himself was by holding in anger and resentment until it became a lethal weapon. Stamping on Floyd from this place of deadly emotion took away the shame that he felt as a teenager. But it created an even bigger problem for Cliff in his adult life. He may have successfully axed Floyd, but he also chopped up the connections with his good friends and almost ruined his wedding.

Forgiveness rather than pardon will be the secret to Cliff's happy marriage
Cliff’s best bet is to begin the path to forgiveness. He has to forgive himself for not being able to stand up to Floyd. He needs to forgive himself for choosing the goodies that Floyd brought instead of his dignity and sense of self-worth. Then and only then can he begin to forgive Floyd for using the situation as a way of feeling superior. That doesn’t mean he has to excuse Floyd’s behavior, or pardon it. If Cliff re-draws the whole experience as one where both had a part to play, Cliff can repair the damage with his true friends and start married life as a man who uses his power productively rather than destructively.

Recent research indicates that holding in grudges and lack of willingness to forgive is one of the main contributory factors of unsuccessful marriages. Cliff’s chances of having a stable and secure marriage depend greatly on his willingness to stop holding grudges and forgive himself and others in an effort to understand the mess that is bound to be made in all relationships.

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Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How Do You Get Revenge on the People That Let You Down?

2009-09-17T17:59:00.000-07:00

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It’s so annoying not to sleep well!

Justin was awake at 3:00 a.m. and he cursed the useless homeopathic sleep remedies he had been prescribed. He teeth clenched as his mind raced with thoughts of the day ahead. He imagined the pain, the stress, the discomfort and having to suffer at work. No one was going to cut him slack at his job. He had to try something different to cure his back pain, or else he would be a nervous wreck.

Hope got crushed and Justin got mad!

He called and complained to his homeopathic doctor before he made an appointment with an acupuncturist. Justin’s hopes were dashed again when a series of treatments didn’t do the trick for more than a few hours. He was spending good money for these treatments, following them as directed and it failed him. He became overwhelmed with fury.

Justin told his acupuncturist that the treatments were useless and began an exercise regimen with a fitness trainer to stretch his back. He also went to yoga classes.

Justin’s back ache disappears when he blames everyone else

Justin’s hot buttons were being pushed by people promising him relief and care but not delivering. Each disappointment made his anger stronger. He wanted them to feel guilty for not keeping their promises and letting him down. That made Justin feel big and powerful. When they felt bad and guilty Justin felt strong and in charge. His back ache disappeared!

What’s getting angry got to do with a back ache?

When Justin was a kid he was always being let down. He lived through many broken promises and he was disappointed more often than not by those people who were supposed to take care of him. The only time he got a little comfort was when he was sick. He was helpless and couldn’t do anything about it then, but now he can.

Justin learned to ask for care by being sick. As an adult he did it with backache. When the doctors and trainers don’t provide what he wants he can legitimately lay the guilt trip on them and feel strong. Now he makes up for all those times when he didn’t get the care he was entitled to. Once he yells and punishes, there is no more need for the backache until the next time.

What’s Justin going to do when he has guilted everyone away?

Justin doesn’t feel powerful for very long. Soon he needs to be wanted and cared for again, so the backache comes back and he finds another remedy, and begins the whole cycle again. When there is no one left to help him he is alone and miserable. Without knowing it he became his own worst enemy. He can take a step towards feeling strong without having to use guilt as a weapon. Learning to forgive the past and mourn his disappointments will be a good beginning.

How to stay rational even when you are angry

2009-08-21T17:41:00.001-07:00

Did you know that when you get mad your logical rational brain gets disconnected from your angry emotional brain?

Listen to Dr. Raymond's radio interview on Transforming Hurtful Anger into Healthy Anger

Natalia couldn't let him get away with trashing her!
Natalia sent her colleague a stinking email. She was furious at Julio for saying that going through the sales manual was a waste of time. She felt that all her hours of hard work and commitment were being trashed. How dare he put her down like this! It really hurt! At the moment she felt small and attacked, so chewing him out in the email was her way of defending herself.

Rational Natalia Can't Reach Hurt Natalia
Logical Natalia knows full well that Julio said nothing about her or her dedicated efforts to promote their company. But angry Natalia was hijacked by her over active right emotional brain. The right side of her brain was pinging so loud and so frantically that it cut off the information from her left rational brain. She lost access to her intelligent judgment because Julio's comments triggered a very sore spot. When that sore spot was poked, Natalia lashed out.

Natalia takes it personally
Julio's comments triggered memories of Natalia's father telling her she would never graduate high school, never get into college and never make anything of her life. Those mean and discouraging comments hurt a lot. When Natalia was a young girl she had no way of sticking up for herself. She couldn't risk her father's anger. So she never dealt with her awful feelings. When Julio triggered them, all those old feelings got stirred up. These feelings were so overwhelming and powerful that her right emotional brain got disconnected from her left logical and rational brain. The information flow stopped. All she had was raw emotion. So she retaliated as if Julio were her dad, putting her down.

Natalia is so agitated she thinks she is the same thing as a sales manual
When Natalia came back to earth, she felt embarrassed and a little ashamed. She didn't want to act like a tantruming child when she was at work. Natalia wanted to get to the bottom of this and consulted with me. She understood that Julio wasn't talking about her, or her efforts being useless. He found it more efficient to go directly to Internet marketing professionals to get the company the exposure it wanted. Natalia realized that when Julio spoke, she and the sales manual had become one and the same thing. That's when her rational intelligent left brain got disconnected from her right emotional brain and prevented her from seeing that he wasn't talking about her.

Once Natalia saw what was happening to her in these situations she stopped to ask herself what sore spots she was reliving. That helped her stay connected to her intelligent left brain, and it helped her make good decisions. She stopped taking things so personally because she kept the path open for her rational brain to feed information to her emotional brain and balance it out.

Listen to Dr. Raymond's radio interview on Transforming Hurtful Anger into Healthy Anger

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Mad That Wishing Won't Make Things Happen?

2009-07-18T17:39:00.000-07:00

One sick kitten pushed Laurie’s buttons with a vengeance.

The vets bill came to $350 yet Laurie’s kitten still had a closed eye and a poor appetite.

Instead of enjoying the new addition to the family she was playing nursemaid, and ATM machine. She was furious that her kitten chosen with so much anticipated joy was now a sick helpless creature that she was responsible for.

Laurie has to take a back seat

Laurie was mad at the Vet for not being able to cure the kitten right away. She snapped at her neighbor who asked her to let a service engineer into the apartment. She lectured her daughter who asked for money to go on a school field trip. She yelled at her colleague for taking a few extra minutes for lunch.

She resented having to pay for expensive antibiotics that didn’t seem to work. She was frustrated that the kitten wouldn’t eat the expensive food the breeders recommended, and seething with rage that her life was now on hold while all her energies and money went into caring for the kitten.

What got under Laurie’s skin?

Laurie wanted something to make her happy. A cute affectionate kitten was just the job. It doesn’t need bathing, grooming or walking! Laurie didn’t want to have to work - she wanted instant reliable love in return for food, milk and treats.

When good things turned into work it was no longer fun. It became unfair, a burden and the total opposite of her fantasy image. That’s what got Laurie so enraged making her lose all reason which made life worse for herself. She felt punished when her wish didn’t work out exactly as planned. She then took it out on everyone in sight and ended up feeling exhausted, defeated and cynical.

Laurie’s Pathway to getting her wish

Laurie was in love with her fantasy and thought that getting a kitten would make the rest happen by magic. If she had created the foundation for the fantasy to become real, she wouldn’t have had such a rude awakening. Laurie could have done some research on the breed, looked at incidences of illness and disease, average cost of vets bills and taken out insurance to cover it.

Doing all the work before getting the kitten would have saved all the work she had to do after getting it. Preparing herself would have made her less stressed and likely to explode when the first little thing went wrong.

Laurie’s lesson is to appreciate that she has to marry fantasy with reality if the wish is going to have any chance of coming true and being successful. When Laurie can allow herself to let her emotional and logical brains converse, all her wishes can come true, and she will have a lot fewer hot buttons to deal with.

Do You See Red When You Get Emotionally Blackmailed?

2009-06-07T16:23:00.000-07:00

Agreements Get Turned On Their Heads
Bree got ready for her girls night out. Neal had agreed to look after the kids and she was free to let loose. As she put on her shoes Neal’s voice shattered her peaceful moment.
“ Tim’s been coughing. I think he‘s getting worse. Sure you still want to go out?”

Emotional Blackmail Triggers a Hot Button
Bree’s heart flew out of her chest. Her jaw tightened, her teeth ground together and her body went rigid. Gasps of indignation and disbelief gathered in her throat. “ What! YOU pushed me to go out yesterday. YOU told me to take a break. YOU said you would be fine with Tim! Now, just before I leave you throw me this line! You cunning swine!” blasted Bree who reeled with outrage.

“ Well I thought Tim would be better by now. You know the doctor said we have to watch him carefully.” Neal continued with his emotionally blackmailing guilt trip.

Why is Neal Engaging in Blackmail?
When Neal initially encouraged Bree to have her night out, he was in a good place, feeling secure and connected to his wife. At that moment they were both parents united in caring for their son. As the time came for Bree to go out, Neal was in a very different place. He was feeling envious that Bree was free to enjoy herself while he had to sacrifice himself and take care of their son. It was just like those times when his parents went out and left him to look after his little sister. He hadn’t been able to say anything then. But now he could. Feeling uncoupled and angry with Bree, it was as if she had turned into his mother, abdicating her responsibility to take care of him and his sister. So he brought out the cannon of guilt. He used emotional blackmail, the only way he could ensure his wife stayed with him.

What’s Bree’s Hot Button?
It had been so wonderful to get Neal’s permission and encouragement to go out on her own. He appeared to sense her need for a break and wanted her to enjoy herself. For once he was putting her first. Then like a bolt from the blue he switched his position, making snide threats. Her self-esteem was crushed. Neal put her in a catch-22 situation. If she went out she would feel guilty and not enjoy herself, never mind the outcast she would be when she came back. If she gave into Neal, he would get the upper hand and spoil the partnership between them. She would resent him and want to take revenge. It was just like her father telling her she was beautiful and worthy of a good date, and then stopping her from dating anyone! A whole set of dry tinder just waiting to be lit up into a fire of rage.

Cooling Down the Communications
Neal and Bree set each other off whenever they experience some unfinished business from the past. Talking to each other about these hot buttons will make these sores less potent and inflamed. Once Bree understands why it’s so hard for Neal to be left with the kids if she is out enjoying herself, she can take steps to ensure that his old pain isn’t reactivated. Listening to and understanding Bree’s fury at being given double messages helps Neal craft a different message when he feels angry and envious.

Retaining Power In a New Space of Understanding
Talking and understanding each other’s experiences creates space for both Neal and Bree to approach these potential sore spots in ways that offer mutual support. By giving each other a new experience in situations that bring up hot button issues, they take charge of their emotions and retain their power. Not only will they become closer and more equal partners, but they will complete the unfinished business from the past in a positive way.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Why I am Always the Bad Guy?

2009-02-11T09:31:00.000-08:00

Lucas Starts Worrying
Tax filing deadline was approaching. Lucas was anxious.
" Have you got all the paperwork together?" he challenged Shirley.

" I have my stuff ready. I don't know about your expenses and receipts." Shirley replied.

" What! You know I put the receipts in the box on the desk." He attacked to defend himself.

Shirley's Hot Button Explodes with Indignation
" You put them in the box. Well so what? I'm sick of reminding you to get things in order. I'm fed up of you making me out to be the irresponsible one, when you don't think about things in advance, you don't get your act together, and you blame me for not doing it for you." Shirley fought back.

Lucas Sticks to His Guns
Lucas was stunned and furious. Irresponsible? How could that be? She was supposed to deal with finance. Shirley ought to make sure all his paper work in order? She always asked him for his documents two months in advance. She didn't do it this time. It was her fault.

Passing The Hot Potato
Neither Lucas or Shirley wanted to be the one to blame. Naturally.

It was shameful for Lucas to be cast as irresponsible. He had gone along with Shirley's previous reminders, taking charge and being in control. He didn't have to bother with these chores. He left it to her gladly.

Whipping Boy Hot Button
Shirley had taken on the job of prodding and poking and goading Lucas because it was easier than finding out later that nothing had been done, and they were both in the river. But as time went on, she was developing a hot button. That of being the whipping boy. She was getting hotter and hotter with anger that she was the policeman and Lucas got away with all his irresponsible misdemeanors.

Removing The Hot Button
Lucas can become more responsible if she doesn't take the job of being his memory and his supervisor. When Shirley makes it clear that she is responsible for her stuff, and Lucas for his, he will rise to the occasion and do his part. Shirley will not have to the be the bad guy anymore. There will be two good guys in a good and respectful partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

A Good resource for you is
rajiv023.blogspot.com

Are You Mad When You Get Taken For Granted?

2009-02-02T21:39:00.000-08:00

Imagining The Good Times

Preparing for her younger sister’s visit put some pep into Faith’s steps. She recalled Nancy’s last visit when they had fun at the beach, going to movies and eating out. The thought of having those precious moments again made Faith feel warm inside.

Disappointment Strikes and Blood Boils

Nancy took the hospitality for granted, and Faith saw red. Her blood began to boil each time Nancy left her dirty dishes on the table, threw her clothes on the floor, or went out without inviting her hosts. She never offered to take them out or pay for anything during family outings. Faith couldn’t get over the fact that her well heeled sister would be so selfish , thoughtless and ungrateful. Her buttons were pushed a million times a day during that long weekend. But she never said a word.

Taking It Out On Your Partner

After Nancy left, Faith sniped at Bruno just for being in the same room. All the things she had wanted to tell Nancy, she said to Bruno. “ Wash the dishes before bed!” she commanded. “You can do your own laundry, I’m busy,” she pronounced as he got undressed for bed. “ I paid for the groceries this weekend, so you better pay for the rest of the week,” she vented her anger at him. Her sister had abused her, so now she was going to abuse Bruno.

Hot Button Flames Destroy The Bonds

Bruno was understandably upset and stood up for himself. He wasn’t going to be her whipping boy. Their relationship became tense and frayed as they went into their own corners, avoiding each other and each waiting for an apology. The flames from Faith’s hot buttons were so fierce that it temporarily destroyed the bond between them.

Faith’s path to managing her hot buttons

· create an equal playing field from the get go and make it clear to Nancy what is expected of her if she stays in Faith’s house.

· don’t expect that Nancy will act like a responsible grown up if you let her get away with being an irresponsible child.

· tell Nancy what you want her to do and what her share of the responsibility will be

· let Nancy know what you feel when you feel it, so it doesn’t build up.

That way Faith will get acknowledged, respected and appreciated. Three fewer buttons to push and less strain on Bruno and Faith’s relationship.

You Push My Hot Buttons And I'll Push Your Hot Buttons

2009-01-21T17:36:00.000-08:00

Jay went on a spending spree for new clothes. “ What do you think of this jacket.? Wouldn’t it go well with these pants? Wow, look at the color of that shirt! Cool isn’t it?” Jay babbled excitedly.

Jay’s buttons got pushed by Chad’s Realism
“Yeah but that shirt is pretty expensive.” replied Chad. At that moment Jay’s excitement turned into a hot button of resentment. How dare Chad rain on his parade. He was supposed to be a friend. Chad was supposed to encourage him and make it fun, not put obstacles in the way! A button had been pushed and it made Jay sore. He made purchases with an angry heart.

Chad’s buttons got pushed by Jay’s Selfishness
Jay didn’t notice the bill when it arrived after lunch. Chad tried to bring it to Jay’s attention but Jay was oblivious, chatting on about the impression he thought his clothes would make. This time Chad’s hot buttons were pushed. He felt taken for granted and used. “ You’re a selfish and crafty dude! I always get stuck with the tab whenever we go out. You’re willing to pay a ton of money for those togs, but not split the check with me for lunch! Some friend you are!”

Two Hot Buttons Made For Each Other
Jay’s hot button throbbed when his self-centeredness was exposed. Chad’s hot button sizzled when his expectation that Jay would grow up was revealed. Both were blind. Jay was blind to his self-centeredness, and Chad was blind to the fact that Jay wouldn’t grow up unless forced to. Both were a perfect match for one another.

Hot Buttons Act as Mirrors
Chad’s outburst was the best mirror for Jay to look in. It helped him see how much he relied on Chad to keep him blind to his desire to be a kid forever. Jay’s selfishness and insensitivity gave Chad the nudge he needed to take care of his anger at being used. Both reflected what the other needed to see.

Cooling Each Other’s Buttons
Those buttons can be disengaged and cooled down when both friends start pointing out the necessary to one another. Basically they need to re-negotiate the terms of their friendship. Chad needs to feel that he can say it like he sees without risking losing Jay’s friendship - even though it might sting. Jay needs to appreciate that friendships are not just about getting approval and permission to be self-centered.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Give Me Your Attention Or Else I'm Leaving!

2009-01-12T20:40:00.000-08:00

Felix is Irritated By His Wife Having Fun

A nice full stomach and well pleased taste buds tickled Felix’s tongue. He had enjoyed the dinner, but there was a price to pay. He had to hang around and make small talk while his wife sang songs and played the piano with her friends. He stuffed his irritation, told himself it wouldn’t be for ever, and tried to pass the time in a tolerable way. They had agreed before the party that when he was ready to go, he would signal her and she would bow out of the group. That was the condition on which he had agreed to go to this party given by her friends that he didn’t particularly like.

Felix is Restless and Restentful
A half hour later he had discovered every book title his hosts owned, every CD they stacked near the stereo and read a stray magazine. He looked over at his wife who was in her element enjoying the camaraderie of her friends as they sang familiar tunes. Felix made faces at her, pointing to his watch and making head movements suggesting it was time to leave.

Another ten minutes into the signaling back and forth made Felix hopping mad.

“One more song” she said and turned back to the group. Her procrastination infuriated him. It pushed his buttons so hard that he threatened to leave without her. He threw out a challenge. Them or me!

Monica withdrew in embarrassment and left with Felix. In the car on the way home she asked
“ Why do you always have to spoil my fun?”

Envy and Fear Trigger Felix’s Hot Button
Felix was consumed with envy. His hot button flared up when he felt the absence of Monica’s attention. It touched that nerve that throbbed with fear that without her focused attention he didn’t exist. That primal fear triggered his hot buttons and he acted accordingly - making a scene that demonstrated his distress and need for his wife’s full attention.

Managing the Hot Button and Saving The Marriage
Felix risks sabotaging his marriage if he doesn’t attend to this hot button. He can begin to deal with his fears by following these suggestions:
· Give himself attention by setting up activities that he enjoys
· Find separate interests with new groups of people and then share them with his wife, so that both can have lives outside of one another.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

My Monster Has Shown Up! Now She's Really Going To Leave Me!

2008-12-30T08:53:00.000-08:00

Suspicion Sets Off The Alarm
Vic was having a great time at a holiday party, until he saw his fiance Cora smile and talk to another guy. The fire alarm inside him rang so loud that he had to take action. He went over and called her 'a bitch', 'a two-timer', and a liar. He accused her of stringing him along, pretending to care for him and having no sensitivity or loyalty. His betrayal hot button had been pushed big time. All it took was to see his loved one near other guys.

His voice was cracked, hard, bitter and gritty, rasping at Cora. His red face was contorted, muscles tight with fury and rage that came out in a tone that was designed to skin her alive.

Shame and Terror Overcome Vic
A day or so later, Vic was terrified that Cora would leave him. How could she tolerate this kind of explosion that came from an illogical suspicion? He knew there was no evidence that she was anything but loyal and loving to him. But when they were around other guys and there was booze around, the alarm bells went off and he became filled with anxiety and fear.

Vic's Monster
Vic felt lucky to have a wonderful finance. He couldn't quite believe that someone as kind and loving as Cora wanted to settle down with him. They planned to buy a house and get married in the next few months. But what now? She had seen the monster inside him. Wouldn't she shrink from it as fast as possible?

The Trigger of Betrayal
He was scared of it. This angry monster that came out of nowhere after all the years he had tried to control it. He tried anger management, he tried anti-anxiety medications, and talking about his feelings. He thought he got it licked. But when the trigger of betrayal was pulled it was as if he was a puppet in the gunman's hands.

Vicious Cycle of Self-Sabotage
Viv had been badly burned in previous relationships. His protective instincts were on guard every second of his life. It was so vigilant that innocent events were seen through the lens of suspicion and that set off the hot buttons, leading to his outburts. Then came the shame, the self-hate, the expectation that he would be abandoned. What a vicious cycle of self-sabotage!

Hostage to Destrutive Forces
Vic grew up in a family that never spoke about their feelings when they were upset. If anyone felt hurt or misunderstood they drank or they withdrew. They didn't talk and clear things up. There was no way for Vic to learn what was happening in these moments, so he developed an over zealous protective radar. Now it is getting in his way of keeping good people in his life.

Taking The Heat Out Of The Hot Button
Vic would do well to tell Cora about his family life and his experiences of getting burned. He needs to try to make holes in the wall that goes up when ever he feels threatened and vulnerable. Those holes can let in genuine care and reliability. Then Vic won't have to put Cora to the test, or wear those destructive lenses in his world viewer glasses. Their mutual dialogue can begin the process of trust.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Don't You Dare Tell Me To Move On With My Life!

2008-11-06T17:44:00.000-08:00

Fate deals an unfair blow - Max is Livid

In a split second Max fell off a ladder, shattered a lumbar disc, ruined his prospects for marriage, and derailed his career. He was livid. His angry energy was absorbed by interminable doctor’s visits, surgeries, and fights with his insurance company.

The reservoir of hate waiting to explode

Max was bathed in support and sympathy from his family, fiancée and friends. They rallied around and helped him get through the first year of struggle for recovery. Together with his pain medications and physical therapy, the network of people caring for him acted as buffers against his volcanic fury. Cocooned in this chrysalis his outrage and resentment swelled into a festering reservoir of hate, waiting to explode.

The hot button trigger - “Get on With Your Life”

Frozen in a time warp, Max couldn’t respond to his fiancée’s encouraging comments. He wasn’t ready to move on. Convinced that it was only a matter of time before she got tired of him, he goaded her about the genuineness of her commitment to him until it wore her down. His self-fulfilling prophecy came true. She left him. He turned down invitations and made excuses for not accepting visitors. It was too much for him to witness their normal lives. Eventually his friends stopped calling. Max became increasingly isolated.

The hot button explodes all over his carers

Max ranted and raved at his incompetent doctors, his lawyer who didn’t win bigger, his fiancée who abandoned him and his friends who forgot him. Indignation, outrage, and pure vengeance competed with his physical pain for his attention. The festering reservoir of hate now had concrete legitimate targets to aim at, in ever increasing numbers.

The power of being a victim

Max felt powerful in his role as a victim. It gave him the right to blame all his carers for ever, and avoid facing the terror of starting his life over. If he couldn’t be the colorful and vibrant butterfly he was destined for, there was no way he was going to emerge from his chrysalis. He would rather let his larva dry up and rot than change course and make himself into a new and equally striking butterfly.

Keeping the past on life support

Max allowed his body to be treated, but his soul was absent. He didn’t want to participate fully and become a traitor to his hopes and ambitions. The life he was once entitled to was being kept on life support, preventing the treatments from working. Pain relief was good from time to time, but transition to a new life was treachery. Anyone who dared suggested it was blasted away by the wrath of the wounded victim.

Death watch or mourn and start again?

His physical pain and mobility issues became the symbols of the past he refused to let go, and a future in which he didn’t want to participate. Max can continue this death watch and finish the job begun by his unfortunate fall, or he can begin the mourning process.

Envy heats up the hot button, empowerment defuses the bomb

Max can’t accept the help of loved ones because he envies them. If he opts to relinquish the power that comes with being a victim, psychotherapy can empower him to have richer and deeper relationships that will mitigate his loss.

Christopher Reeves used his anger in the mourning process to set up stem cell research labs after a horse riding accident paralyzed his body. Al Gore mourned the loss of the presidency by using his anger and grief to become a Nobel prize winner. Both mourned, then made a meaningful new life that touched millions of people. Max, what treasures are waiting to be released in you?

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

You Always Let Me Down!

2008-10-05T10:33:00.000-07:00

Show me I matter to you

The award ceremony was well under way but there was still no sign of Larry. With a sinking heart Yvonne took her place in line to receive her diploma. The shouts and hugs of congratulations were a blur as her eyes kept scanning the hall for her elder brother.

Getting the goodies from other’s doesn’t cut it
Yvonne’s friends honored her achievement with flowers, gifts and affection. Yet she was the pooper at her own party. Her heart was frozen. Larry had broken his promise. Choking back tears of acute disappointment she went through the motions of thanking her thoughtful pals.

Larry’s voice penetrated the happy atmosphere as he came up to embrace Yvonne. “ You are amazing sis, I always knew you could do it.”

The hot button - I should be important to you, but I’m not
Yvonne wrestled with her conflicting feelings of elation and anger. “ It’s too late now!” she responded as her buttons got pushed. “ You missed everything!”

“ Something came up. Sorry I had to miss the ceremony, but hey the party just got started,” Larry said, defending the charge.

“ Something came up! I guess it was a lot more important than my graduation. It’s a once in a lifetime experience and you couldn’t make the effort to be there for me!” Yvonne cut him dead.

Hot button sets off a spiral of resentful feelings
In a split second Yvonne was transported back to all those times when her mother made excuses for missing her school concerts and parent teacher conferences. Larry’s feeble alibi revived the same jabs she had experienced when her father dismissed her straight A report cards, and athletic trophies. She was as insignificant now as she had felt all those years ago.

Punishing strategies keep the hot button throbbing
Yvonne didn’t speak to Larry for several weeks. She needed to punish him. She wanted him to feel her pain, and the best way to do that was to avoid his calls. Any sense of power and control Yvonne gained during her withdrawal was off set by anger and bitterness eroding her peace of mind.

Keeping the hot buttons sizzling
The attempt to teach Larry a lesson backfired. Yvonne flogged herself with chants of worthlessness. Her achievements weren’t worth a damn if her brother couldn’t get his act together and turn up on time to her graduation. If he didn’t care about her, why should she care about herself?

Yvonne felt deprived of the recognition she believed she was entitled to. Wrath and vengeance destroyed the link to her brother, leaving her bereft. She was unable to feel the love and generosity of her friends, enlarging the void inside her. Rewarded with the easy win, the hot button got reinforced, stronger and more powerful, waiting to zap her next time it got triggered.

Hot button puts the relationship in jeopardy
In the grips of her hot button Yvonne has little access to her smarts. As she gets tired of torturing herself in the isolation chamber, and is ready to reconnect the severed threads of her attachments she should reflect on the destructive cycle she unconsciously perpetuates. Expecting her brother to substitute for the parents she wanted, while making up for the shortcomings of the parents she got puts Larry in a straight jacket.

He is set up to fail the test, and Yvonne has a repeat experience of being failed. The relationship fractures under pressure.

Weakening the hot button
Yvonne can use other measures to assign value to her existence such as the support and care she gets from friends and colleagues. The hot button will diminish in proportion to her growing sense of self-worth. She just has to be receptive to alternative sources of treasure. Instead of focusing on what she isn’t getting that she has a right to get, she would get more by valuing what she is getting and treasuring it.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Resource: Do your buttons get pushed when you have been injured in a car crash through no fault of your own? Has your ability to work and lead a normal life been compromised by your work related injury? If so, Jeffery Shane, Esq. Personal Injury Lawyer can help you. You can reach him at 310-820-644. or at jshane@sbcglobal.net

Aren't You Ever Satisfied?

2008-09-07T12:59:00.000-07:00

If Only You Could Be Satisfied - Then I Could Dare To Satisfy Myself!

The whining started again. What did Lynn want this time? Vicky hadn't long since got him settled with his toys after his swimming lesson. But he couldn't keep himself occupied for more than a few minutes. Vicky took her 7 year old son to the park hoping to get some peace from his constant cranky demands. A bit of time to herself would be so wonderful. The swings, slides and climbing frames soon lost their novelty value. His mother gave him his favorite snacks she had carefully prepared for their picnic, but he yelled for an ice-cream as he heard the musical van stop by. The harder she tried to reason with him the worse his tantrum became.

The Hot Button Reaches Boiling Point
Vicky was acutely embarrassed as her son's tantrum showed her up in front of other mothers in the park. Shame, humiliation and rage triggered her hot button. Her son's relentless demands created a massive conflict inside her. The only thing she wanted to do was shut him up and look good. Her tongue lashing did the trick as she released the heat from her hot button. But she had to suffer the guilt that flooded her as her son's sobbing added another layer of 'badness' on her sense of self-worth.

Where Did This Button Get It's Force?
Vicky grew up in a household where her father got the best of everything, first last and always. His temper was fierce and no one dared cross him. Everyone sacrificed themselves so that he could be appeased and pacified. Vicky's mother didn't acknowledge her daughter's needs let alone attempt to meet them. Vicky learned the rule of pacification - let daddy have what he wants, then he won't yell at me and call me a bad girl.

The Button Is Identified
At the moment of explosion, Vicky couldn't tell the difference between her father's selfishness and her 7 year old son's natural hunger for everything in the world.

She was jealous of her son, even though the parent in her wanted to give him a better quality childhood.

Dealing With The Hot Button - take care of both kids
Vicky is basically a good parent to her son. But she doesn't have a good parent inside her that is taking care of her. Now she is an adult she can satisfy that resentful child inside her. She has two children to take care of if she is to get the better of this very destructive hot button. She has to take care of that starving child inside her, and her own son. Then and only then will she have mastery of her hot button and ensure her relationship with her son doesn't repeat the frustrations of her childhood.

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

I'M SICK OF NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH!

2008-07-29T10:58:00.000-07:00

OUCH!
Before he turned off the engine as he pulled into the driveway, Mia got on his case. He never appreciated her, he hadn’t fixed the shower door, he failed to pick up their son from the child care facility on time, and he drank too much!

Doug’s breath came hard and fast. He felt attacked with a barrage of unfair bullets that seemed to hit him unawares. He was unarmed and defenseless. His stomach was in knots, his blood pumped in his throat and temples as he struggled to survive.

Big Hot Button Screeching Like a Siren
A whole bunch of buttons had been pushed and Doug didn’t know how to tackle this confusing mess that coated his entire being. There was a huge big red button that was screeching out like a siren, called
I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

The Bedrock For This Hot Button
Doug’s reacted strongly because he has a fundamental but unconscious belief that goes something like this:

If I was doing everything right, my wife would be happy and be saying nice things to me. She is angry with me, and that can only mean that I haven’t pleased her, therefore I am not doing things properly. My efforts have fallen short. I am a failure. I hate myself.

Satellite Buttons
Around the main self-critical button several satellites were orbiting around pinging with amber lights flicking on and off. They were also triggered by the demeaning comments Dough heard from his wife. They are

I’M NOT A PERFECT FATHER
I’M A BAD PARENT LIKE MY PARENTS
NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET IT RIGHT
I CAN’T PLEASE THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE - I AM NO GOOD

How can Doug Take The Sting Out of These Hot Buttons?
Doug’s wife can aim accurately at Doug’s set of buttons because some part of him buys into the fact that he is not good enough. So Doug needs to do the following:

1. Change the measure by which he judges his worth. Reading the meter that gauges his wife’s state of pleasure in him is precarious, and subject to her moods.
2. Doug needs to rehearse all the ways he has done what he thinks is reasonable in his relationship and let that become his reliable guide.
3. Once Doug can convince himself that he is a good parent, and husband the satellite buttons will slowly dissipate. They won’t feed the big hot button that underlies his low self-worth.
4. The belief that he isn’t good enough can be countered by homing in on evidence to the contrary. That eats away at the big button, which is less easy to see and manipulate.

Get help with your anger and improve your relationships

Read articles on how your anger can sabotage your weight loss program, and your sex life

Learn how to communicate effectively with your partner

copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How To Stop Growing Hot Buttons in Your Psyche

2008-07-20T18:28:00.000-07:00

Exposing The Hot Button Weed
June was hurt that she hadn't been asked to join the planning committee for her neighborhood watch. She called her friend Monica, the committee chair and broke off their relationship. Taken aback Monica shot back that June was doing her usual dance of running away whenever things didn't go her way. June's hot button burst into flames, " I don't dump people!" she screamed in her defense.

Pretending The Weed Doesn't Exist
June was called out on her tendency to abandon people who don't give her what she believes she is entitled to. Her emphatic denial was a way of covering up the shame and humiliation she felt when she was laid bare. June believed that if she couldn't see it then no one else could either. But she was wrong, and her hot button was ignited.

Weeds Are The Seedbed Of Your Hot Buttons
When you try to cover up, kill, pull out, suffocate, poison or chop up the parts of yourself that you don't like (your weeds), you actually create a spot of fertile ground for the root particles and seeds to flourish. They congregate and thrive as a hot button inside your psyche. When you have a strong reaction to your buttons being pushed, it's because you were forced to see the weeds in your rose garden. Your outrage is a protest against acknowledging that you are by nature made of weeds and exotic orchids.

Why Weeds Take Over Your Psychic Garden
The more aspects of yourself you disown the more they are going to fight for air, light, and space in your psychic garden. They will pop up when you least expect them, as angry outbursts whenever they are triggered by a button pusher. They will overwhelm the beautiful garden you spend so much time grooming, and make you feel exposed and ashamed. Exactly the opposite of what you wanted.

You Can Hide Things From Yourself, But Beware Friends and Family
Like June, you can hide unacceptable parts of yourself with nice perfume, pretty adornments, and masks. But those close to you can see through the disguise. When they speak to those hidden parts of you instead of your false persona, your hot buttons are going to be pushed big time.

Allowing A Few Weeds To Go Through Their Life Cycle
Accepting a weed such as your desire to feel superior (a weed) to exist near your kindness to animals (an orchid) means you can keep your eye on the weed. That puts you in control. Since you are allowing it to take it's natural course, there is no frantic activity underground to make more roots and seedlings ( to fuel the furnace of your hot buttons). As the plant comes to the end of it's natural life, you can collect the seeds before they fall on the ground and give birth to hundreds of new ones. Owning it gives you the power to determine how and when it can come out. Remember, your friends and family already know it's there. They accept you with that imperfection. It's time you did too!

copyright Dr. Jeanette Raymond.

Learn more about using your anger profitably

Read articles on how anger sabotages your goals

I Can’t Stand It - My Family Treats Me Like An ATM Machine!

2008-07-13T18:36:00.000-07:00

Triggering the hot button
"Mom, I need the money for the weekend right now!" demanded her eighteen year old daughter.

Reacting to the hot button
Fueled with indignation Sharon's words shot out like guided missiles determined to destroy the grabbing, ungrateful source of threat to her at that moment. " I'm sick of being treated as an ATM machine. You never thank me. You never think of me and how hard I have to work for the money that you waste. If you need money go out and earn it!"

Naming the hot button
Sharon's hot button got triggered by her daughter's demand. The button's label reads
'being taken for granted, and unappreciated by close family members.'

A cocktail of pent up hurt and longing to be valued mixed with years of rage erupted. Mother and daughter now had a rift in their relationship as both went off into their corners feeling unfairly wounded and vulnerable. As the heat subsided, Sharon suffered the throbbing pain of fear and guilt - will I lose my daughter? Am I a mean bad parent?

How the hot button was created
Sharon helped her sister Ellisa prepare the party for their father's 80th birthday. As the guests left they thanked Ellisa and wished her father many more years of healthy life. Sharon drove home hurt and unappreciated. Her father had barely noticed her, made no mention of her efforts or contributions let alone thanked her for the party. Ellisa was heaped with teary eyed praise as a generous, loving daughter - as always. Despite 40 years of being ignored by her father, and living in her sister's shadow, Sharon kept hoping that the next time would be different. Nothing changed, and each layer of disappointment added to Sharon's anger. Her hot button was steaming with outrage and resentment. The angry vapors invaded every part of her body and mind fueling the already bubbling volcano primed to explode.

When her daughter made the demand, the bomb went off.

Deactivating the hot button
Once Sharon identifies the name of her hot button she has taken the first step in controlling it. She wants her efforts to be acknowledged, valued and appreciated. That is fine. She can increase her chances of being valued by recalibrating the currency used in the market of family relationships. Instead of investing in the hope that family will honor her unselfish acts, she would get greater returns by choosing a more varied portfolio. That translates to being available and giving of herself only when she truly wants to, and not when she would rather do something else. That way she doesn't set herself up for resentment when she is taken for granted. By placing a higher value on herself she makes it more desirable and therefore more worth having.

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Read articles on how anger makes you fat, impotent and stressed

My partner Humiliated Me In Public!

2008-07-04T13:48:00.000-07:00

Chosing the Moment Of Revenge

Joyce watched the pleasure on Brad's face as he laughed and drank toasts with his friends. She joined them at the table and waited for Brad to introduce her to the crowd. He smiled as she sat down and called the waiter over to order Joyce a drink. Joyce sipped her wine making small talk with Brad's pals. They were loud and she didn't get their jokes. Sidelined, Joyce chose her moment of revenge with piercing accuracy. Just as Brad bought another bottle of expensive champagne, Joyce called out, " are you sure you can you afford that? You don't have any work next week!"

Irresponsibility Button Gets Pushed
Brad had been savagely attacked. His irresponsibility button had been pushed big time. His partner knew that sore spot very well and took precise aim, scoring a bulls eye. She had exposed him, and he retaliated with outrage to cover his shame and humiliation. " Have I ever let you starve? I'm a big boy and I know how to manage my finances. It's none of your business what I do with my money or how I get it. It's not your precious money so don't tell me what to do. You're a kill joy! You wouldn't know how to enjoy yourself if you tried."

Brad's outburst when his button got pushed silenced the party. The group saw him bad mouth his wife. The fact that she provoked him was by now forgotten. All they saw and heard was fury and an erruption of uncontrollable anger. They lost respect for him, and left.

A better Way For Brad To Act

1. Taking Ownership
When an assault is launched against this vulnerability he can own it, and therefore speak from a place of power and control. Taking full ownership takes the sting out of the barb and it is then rendered harmless.

2. Imagine Being In the Shoes Of the Attacker
Brad should have noticed and been sensitive to Joyce feeling excluded. He could have taken preventive action by making sure she was able to participate in the conversation. That way she wouldn't have needed to get his attention or express her hurt by humiliating him.

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

What's worse- giving or getting advice?

2007-09-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

The Best Friend Ever

Everyone loved Craig. He was warm, inviting and a fantastic listener. If you had a problem, conflict or dilemma to sort out, the first person you would think of talking to would be Craig. He always had time for you and was willing to offer suggestions. Julie thought of him as her best and most trusted friend.

A Good Listener Is On My Side
It was a huge relief to Julie to get things off her chest. She told Craig about her flaky girlfriend and mean boss. When Julie got mad at her boyfriend for not appreciating the surprise birthday party she organized for him, Craig took her side. Julie would say " What kind of a boyfriend doesn't even say thank you after all the months of planning for his surprise party? Can you believe he actually told me that he didn't want it and would rather have gone to a movie with me?"

The Advice Comes- But it's Wrong!
Craig told Julie to dump her ungrateful boyfriend, quit her job, and get new friends. That was when Julie's buttons got pushed big time. She loved her boyfriend. She liked her job. She had gone through school with her girlfriend. She didn't want to change things. Why couldn't she just have a moan? She just wanted to be heard and acknowledged.

Not Such A Good Friend After All
Who did Craig think he was telling her how to live her life? What right did he have to trash her boyfriend? Her friend was considerate and a real good laugh.

That's when Craig's buttons got triggered. He was mad that Julie threw his advice in his face. Why did she ask for it if she didn't want it? As soon as he opened his mouth she changed her tune and began defending the very people she had been dissing a moment ago? Crazy!

Crazy Doublespeak
Doesn't this doublespeak sound familiar? The Julie's among us like to unload stuff and complain. The Craig's among us love to rescue and feel needed. When that game is in play a lot of buttons get pushed and trigger all sorts of unexpected reactions.

What's In It For You?
Untangling yourself from this web isn't easy. If you identify with Julie, you can take the heat out of the situation by asking yourself "what's in it for me to ask for advice and then trash it?" Or if you are like Craig ask, "what's in it for me to give advice when I know it won't be taken?"

Then figure out where your anger is coming from. Here are some article links on anger you might find helpful.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Did You Know That Anger Makes You Fat? By Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Four Ways to Stop Your Anger From Making You Impotent! By Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Good Anger- Bad Anger. Telling The Difference. by Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Good Anger- Bad Anger. Expressing Healthy Anger. By Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Good Anger-Bad Anger. Self Sabotage. By Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

When the judgemental one calls you judgemental

2007-07-30T15:13:00.000-07:00

The Greedy One Calls You Greedy
Ever had the experience of being called greedy by someone who wants the lion's share? How about being called sensitive by a friend who feels so wounded if you say you can't meet them for lunch, that they think you are breaking up? Or maybe you have been told you are judgmental by your sibling or co-worker, both of whom are constantly telling you that you look unbecoming, you are impolite, cold or frivolous? Doesn't it just make you mad?

Passing Judgement Is So Unfair
Why is it that the person who sees you as greedy is in fact a greedy person themselves? How come a person who is ultra sensitive accuses you of being that way? What can make a person who is always passing judgement on you think of you as the judgmental one? Why does it push your buttons so intensly? It seems so unfair, doesn't it?

Experts Pass The Buck
Well, there are a couple of reasons that can help us understand it, so that our buttons don't get pushed so hard.

First, the greedy person is an expert on greed. Any sign of desire on the part of another gets interpreted as greed.

Second, the greedy person hates the thought of being greedy themselves, so they would rather see it in someone else. The other person can be the bad guy, and the greedy person can feel good about him or herself. Same with the sensitive and judgmental ones. They are aces at being sensitive and judgmental, and don't like it. So they place it in you and try to control themselves that way. It makes them feel superior.

Clues To What You Don't Like About Yourself
Your dreams can be very helpful in alerting you to what you don't like about yourself and "give" to someone else.

Fall Out From Disowning Unacceptable Parts of Yourself
These experiences make for tense and frustrating relationships. It is especially damaging for couples in any relationship, be they parent and child, or romantically attached partners. Couples often choose their partners based on being able to give their partner a characteristic that they themselves can't stand to have themselves, or are too afraid to have themselves.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

last minute cancels

2007-06-25T13:10:00.000-07:00

My heart starts pounding with rage
when I feel like I am no longer on the same page
when someone I made a plan with, reneges at the last stage.
I feel unimportant and empty, rattling in my lonely cage.

http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com

Having taken care of the jobs
I free up space, so we can gleefully hobnob
Until I get thrown aside, a lump in my throat comes up to sob
I pretend I am not disappointed for fear of causing a throb
That may unravel the connection - so I swallow the prob.

http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/mc_quiz

I feel taken advantage of and mad
My insides burn, I can't sit still, I feel so bad
I want to scream and hit and kick, for letting myself be had
I need someone else to soothe me and make me glad.
My back hurts, I am constipated, the words won't come out, not even a tad.

http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/bs_quiz.