Vic was having a great time at a holiday party, until he saw his fiance Cora smile and talk to another guy. The fire alarm inside him rang so loud that he had to take action. He went over and called her 'a bitch', 'a two-timer', and a liar. He accused her of stringing him along, pretending to care for him and having no sensitivity or loyalty. His betrayal hot button had been pushed big time. All it took was to see his loved one near other guys.
His voice was cracked, hard, bitter and gritty, rasping at Cora. His red face was contorted, muscles tight with fury and rage that came out in a tone that was designed to skin her alive.
Shame and Terror Overcome Vic
A day or so later, Vic was terrified that Cora would leave him. How could she tolerate this kind of explosion that came from an illogical suspicion? He knew there was no evidence that she was anything but loyal and loving to him. But when they were around other guys and there was booze around, the alarm bells went off and he became filled with anxiety and fear.
Vic's Monster
Vic felt lucky to have a wonderful finance. He couldn't quite believe that someone as kind and loving as Cora wanted to settle down with him. They planned to buy a house and get married in the next few months. But what now? She had seen the monster inside him. Wouldn't she shrink from it as fast as possible?
The Trigger of Betrayal
He was scared of it. This angry monster that came out of nowhere after all the years he had tried to control it. He tried anger management, he tried anti-anxiety medications, and talking about his feelings. He thought he got it licked. But when the trigger of betrayal was pulled it was as if he was a puppet in the gunman's hands.
Vicious Cycle of Self-Sabotage
Viv had been badly burned in previous relationships. His protective instincts were on guard every second of his life. It was so vigilant that innocent events were seen through the lens of suspicion and that set off the hot buttons, leading to his outburts. Then came the shame, the self-hate, the expectation that he would be abandoned. What a vicious cycle of self-sabotage!
Hostage to Destrutive Forces
Vic grew up in a family that never spoke about their feelings when they were upset. If anyone felt hurt or misunderstood they drank or they withdrew. They didn't talk and clear things up. There was no way for Vic to learn what was happening in these moments, so he developed an over zealous protective radar. Now it is getting in his way of keeping good people in his life.
Taking The Heat Out Of The Hot Button
Vic would do well to tell Cora about his family life and his experiences of getting burned. He needs to try to make holes in the wall that goes up when ever he feels threatened and vulnerable. Those holes can let in genuine care and reliability. Then Vic won't have to put Cora to the test, or wear those destructive lenses in his world viewer glasses. Their mutual dialogue can begin the process of trust.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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