Are You Mad That Someone From The Past Is Coming To Ruin Your Future?

A request by his friends makes Cliff feel bitterly betrayed
The wedding invitations were going out and Cliff refused to ask Floyd to attend. He hated the guy and wanted nothing to do with him. His buddies tried to get him to change his mind. They reminded him of the good times they all had as high schoolers. They brought back memories of the time when Cliff thought Floyd was the man! Floyd used to be the ticket to get into night clubs, hot parties and booze.

Bad memories cast an angry shadow over Cliff's wedding
Cliff remembered the times when Floyd ruled his life. He did everything Floyd said so he could have access to the good life. At that time he made a deal with himself that he would put up with taking the ribbing and humiliation. It made Floyd feel good, and if Floyd felt good it meant that he would include Cliff in his plans. Floyd used Cliff’s eagerness to be in his world to boss him around.

Holding on to grudges nearly lost Cliff his best friends
Cliff’s life took him to another part of the country. He began to stand up for himself and get what he wanted for himself. He felt good, strong and his own man. Until the time for his wedding came around. The shadow of Floyd loomed large over his upcoming celebration. Just the thought of Floyd being around made him yell at his friends for bringing Floyd back into the picture. A gigantic hot button was pushed when Floyd’s name was mentioned.

Years and years of holding onto the grudge made Cliff lose control. He called them traitors and didn’t speak to them for weeks. A rift threatened to spoil his big day. He relived every moment that Floyd had made him feel like a loser. Each memory stoked his sense of power. He was pumped with a determination to put an end to the abuse Floyd had inflicted on him.

Cliff's emotions got hijacked by old grudges, turning him into a killer
When Floyd called out of the blue to ask why he hadn’t been invited to the wedding Cliff hit hard. He punched and jabbed and poked and floored Floyd with his surprise attack. The years of holding in grudges silenced Floyd. Cliff felt so good! He was drunk with power and vengeance. So different to the shame he used to feel.

Cliff allowed years of festering grudge to build up his courage. The only way he could feel entitled to protect himself was by holding in anger and resentment until it became a lethal weapon. Stamping on Floyd from this place of deadly emotion took away the shame that he felt as a teenager. But it created an even bigger problem for Cliff in his adult life. He may have successfully axed Floyd, but he also chopped up the connections with his good friends and almost ruined his wedding.

Forgiveness rather than pardon will be the secret to Cliff's happy marriage
Cliff’s best bet is to begin the path to forgiveness. He has to forgive himself for not being able to stand up to Floyd. He needs to forgive himself for choosing the goodies that Floyd brought instead of his dignity and sense of self-worth. Then and only then can he begin to forgive Floyd for using the situation as a way of feeling superior. That doesn’t mean he has to excuse Floyd’s behavior, or pardon it. If Cliff re-draws the whole experience as one where both had a part to play, Cliff can repair the damage with his true friends and start married life as a man who uses his power productively rather than destructively.


Recent research indicates that holding in grudges and lack of willingness to forgive is one of the main contributory factors of unsuccessful marriages. Cliff’s chances of having a stable and secure marriage depend greatly on his willingness to stop holding grudges and forgive himself and others in an effort to understand the mess that is bound to be made in all relationships.


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Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How Do You Get Revenge on the People That Let You Down?

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It’s so annoying not to sleep well!

Justin was awake at 3:00 a.m. and he cursed the useless homeopathic sleep remedies he had been prescribed. He teeth clenched as his mind raced with thoughts of the day ahead. He imagined the pain, the stress, the discomfort and having to suffer at work. No one was going to cut him slack at his job. He had to try something different to cure his back pain, or else he would be a nervous wreck.

Hope got crushed and Justin got mad!

He called and complained to his homeopathic doctor before he made an appointment with an acupuncturist. Justin’s hopes were dashed again when a series of treatments didn’t do the trick for more than a few hours. He was spending good money for these treatments, following them as directed and it failed him. He became overwhelmed with fury.

Justin told his acupuncturist that the treatments were useless and began an exercise regimen with a fitness trainer to stretch his back. He also went to yoga classes.

Justin’s back ache disappears when he blames everyone else

Justin’s hot buttons were being pushed by people promising him relief and care but not delivering. Each disappointment made his anger stronger. He wanted them to feel guilty for not keeping their promises and letting him down. That made Justin feel big and powerful. When they felt bad and guilty Justin felt strong and in charge. His back ache disappeared!

What’s getting angry got to do with a back ache?

When Justin was a kid he was always being let down. He lived through many broken promises and he was disappointed more often than not by those people who were supposed to take care of him. The only time he got a little comfort was when he was sick. He was helpless and couldn’t do anything about it then, but now he can.

Justin learned to ask for care by being sick. As an adult he did it with backache. When the doctors and trainers don’t provide what he wants he can legitimately lay the guilt trip on them and feel strong. Now he makes up for all those times when he didn’t get the care he was entitled to. Once he yells and punishes, there is no more need for the backache until the next time.

What’s Justin going to do when he has guilted everyone away?

Justin doesn’t feel powerful for very long. Soon he needs to be wanted and cared for again, so the backache comes back and he finds another remedy, and begins the whole cycle again. When there is no one left to help him he is alone and miserable. Without knowing it he became his own worst enemy. He can take a step towards feeling strong without having to use guilt as a weapon. Learning to forgive the past and mourn his disappointments will be a good beginning.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.


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How to stay rational even when you are angry

Did you know that when you get mad your logical rational brain gets disconnected from your angry emotional brain?

Listen to Dr. Raymond's radio interview on Transforming Hurtful Anger into Healthy Anger

Natalia couldn't let him get away with trashing her!
Natalia sent her colleague a stinking email. She was furious at Julio for saying that going through the sales manual was a waste of time. She felt that all her hours of hard work and commitment were being trashed. How dare he put her down like this! It really hurt! At the moment she felt small and attacked, so chewing him out in the email was her way of defending herself.

Rational Natalia Can't Reach Hurt Natalia
Logical Natalia knows full well that Julio said nothing about her or her dedicated efforts to promote their company. But angry Natalia was hijacked by her over active right emotional brain. The right side of her brain was pinging so loud and so frantically that it cut off the information from her left rational brain. She lost access to her intelligent judgment because Julio's comments triggered a very sore spot. When that sore spot was poked, Natalia lashed out.

Natalia takes it personally
Julio's comments triggered memories of Natalia's father telling her she would never graduate high school, never get into college and never make anything of her life. Those mean and discouraging comments hurt a lot. When Natalia was a young girl she had no way of sticking up for herself. She couldn't risk her father's anger. So she never dealt with her awful feelings. When Julio triggered them, all those old feelings got stirred up. These feelings were so overwhelming and powerful that her right emotional brain got disconnected from her left logical and rational brain. The information flow stopped. All she had was raw emotion. So she retaliated as if Julio were her dad, putting her down.

Natalia is so agitated she thinks she is the same thing as a sales manual
When Natalia came back to earth, she felt embarrassed and a little ashamed. She didn't want to act like a tantruming child when she was at work. Natalia wanted to get to the bottom of this and consulted with me. She understood that Julio wasn't talking about her, or her efforts being useless. He found it more efficient to go directly to Internet marketing professionals to get the company the exposure it wanted. Natalia realized that when Julio spoke, she and the sales manual had become one and the same thing. That's when her rational intelligent left brain got disconnected from her right emotional brain and prevented her from seeing that he wasn't talking about her.

Once Natalia saw what was happening to her in these situations she stopped to ask herself what sore spots she was reliving. That helped her stay connected to her intelligent left brain, and it helped her make good decisions. She stopped taking things so personally because she kept the path open for her rational brain to feed information to her emotional brain and balance it out.

Listen to Dr. Raymond's radio interview on Transforming Hurtful Anger into Healthy Anger

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Mad That Wishing Won't Make Things Happen?

One sick kitten pushed Laurie’s buttons with a vengeance.

The vets bill came to $350 yet Laurie’s kitten still had a closed eye and a poor appetite.

Instead of enjoying the new addition to the family she was playing nursemaid, and ATM machine. She was furious that her kitten chosen with so much anticipated joy was now a sick helpless creature that she was responsible for.

Laurie has to take a back seat

Laurie was mad at the Vet for not being able to cure the kitten right away. She snapped at her neighbor who asked her to let a service engineer into the apartment. She lectured her daughter who asked for money to go on a school field trip. She yelled at her colleague for taking a few extra minutes for lunch.

She resented having to pay for expensive antibiotics that didn’t seem to work. She was frustrated that the kitten wouldn’t eat the expensive food the breeders recommended, and seething with rage that her life was now on hold while all her energies and money went into caring for the kitten.

What got under Laurie’s skin?

Laurie wanted something to make her happy. A cute affectionate kitten was just the job. It doesn’t need bathing, grooming or walking! Laurie didn’t want to have to work - she wanted instant reliable love in return for food, milk and treats.

When good things turned into work it was no longer fun. It became unfair, a burden and the total opposite of her fantasy image. That’s what got Laurie so enraged making her lose all reason which made life worse for herself. She felt punished when her wish didn’t work out exactly as planned. She then took it out on everyone in sight and ended up feeling exhausted, defeated and cynical.

Laurie’s Pathway to getting her wish

Laurie was in love with her fantasy and thought that getting a kitten would make the rest happen by magic. If she had created the foundation for the fantasy to become real, she wouldn’t have had such a rude awakening. Laurie could have done some research on the breed, looked at incidences of illness and disease, average cost of vets bills and taken out insurance to cover it.

Doing all the work before getting the kitten would have saved all the work she had to do after getting it. Preparing herself would have made her less stressed and likely to explode when the first little thing went wrong.

Laurie’s lesson is to appreciate that she has to marry fantasy with reality if the wish is going to have any chance of coming true and being successful. When Laurie can allow herself to let her emotional and logical brains converse, all her wishes can come true, and she will have a lot fewer hot buttons to deal with.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Do You See Red When You Get Emotionally Blackmailed?

Agreements Get Turned On Their Heads
Bree got ready for her girls night out. Neal had agreed to look after the kids and she was free to let loose. As she put on her shoes Neal’s voice shattered her peaceful moment.
“ Tim’s been coughing. I think he‘s getting worse. Sure you still want to go out?”

Emotional Blackmail Triggers a Hot Button
Bree’s heart flew out of her chest. Her jaw tightened, her teeth ground together and her body went rigid. Gasps of indignation and disbelief gathered in her throat. “ What! YOU pushed me to go out yesterday. YOU told me to take a break. YOU said you would be fine with Tim! Now, just before I leave you throw me this line! You cunning swine!” blasted Bree who reeled with outrage.

“ Well I thought Tim would be better by now. You know the doctor said we have to watch him carefully.” Neal continued with his emotionally blackmailing guilt trip.

Why is Neal Engaging in Blackmail?
When Neal initially encouraged Bree to have her night out, he was in a good place, feeling secure and connected to his wife. At that moment they were both parents united in caring for their son. As the time came for Bree to go out, Neal was in a very different place. He was feeling envious that Bree was free to enjoy herself while he had to sacrifice himself and take care of their son. It was just like those times when his parents went out and left him to look after his little sister. He hadn’t been able to say anything then. But now he could. Feeling uncoupled and angry with Bree, it was as if she had turned into his mother, abdicating her responsibility to take care of him and his sister. So he brought out the cannon of guilt. He used emotional blackmail, the only way he could ensure his wife stayed with him.

What’s Bree’s Hot Button?
It had been so wonderful to get Neal’s permission and encouragement to go out on her own. He appeared to sense her need for a break and wanted her to enjoy herself. For once he was putting her first. Then like a bolt from the blue he switched his position, making snide threats. Her self-esteem was crushed. Neal put her in a catch-22 situation. If she went out she would feel guilty and not enjoy herself, never mind the outcast she would be when she came back. If she gave into Neal, he would get the upper hand and spoil the partnership between them. She would resent him and want to take revenge. It was just like her father telling her she was beautiful and worthy of a good date, and then stopping her from dating anyone! A whole set of dry tinder just waiting to be lit up into a fire of rage.

Cooling Down the Communications
Neal and Bree set each other off whenever they experience some unfinished business from the past. Talking to each other about these hot buttons will make these sores less potent and inflamed. Once Bree understands why it’s so hard for Neal to be left with the kids if she is out enjoying herself, she can take steps to ensure that his old pain isn’t reactivated. Listening to and understanding Bree’s fury at being given double messages helps Neal craft a different message when he feels angry and envious.

Retaining Power In a New Space of Understanding
Talking and understanding each other’s experiences creates space for both Neal and Bree to approach these potential sore spots in ways that offer mutual support. By giving each other a new experience in situations that bring up hot button issues, they take charge of their emotions and retain their power. Not only will they become closer and more equal partners, but they will complete the unfinished business from the past in a positive way.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Why I am Always the Bad Guy?

Lucas Starts Worrying
Tax filing deadline was approaching. Lucas was anxious.
" Have you got all the paperwork together?" he challenged Shirley.

" I have my stuff ready. I don't know about your expenses and receipts." Shirley replied.

" What! You know I put the receipts in the box on the desk." He attacked to defend himself.

Shirley's Hot Button Explodes with Indignation
" You put them in the box. Well so what? I'm sick of reminding you to get things in order. I'm fed up of you making me out to be the irresponsible one, when you don't think about things in advance, you don't get your act together, and you blame me for not doing it for you." Shirley fought back.

Lucas Sticks to His Guns
Lucas was stunned and furious. Irresponsible? How could that be? She was supposed to deal with finance. Shirley ought to make sure all his paper work in order? She always asked him for his documents two months in advance. She didn't do it this time. It was her fault.

Passing The Hot Potato
Neither Lucas or Shirley wanted to be the one to blame. Naturally.

It was shameful for Lucas to be cast as irresponsible. He had gone along with Shirley's previous reminders, taking charge and being in control. He didn't have to bother with these chores. He left it to her gladly.

Whipping Boy Hot Button
Shirley had taken on the job of prodding and poking and goading Lucas because it was easier than finding out later that nothing had been done, and they were both in the river. But as time went on, she was developing a hot button. That of being the whipping boy. She was getting hotter and hotter with anger that she was the policeman and Lucas got away with all his irresponsible misdemeanors.

Removing The Hot Button
Lucas can become more responsible if she doesn't take the job of being his memory and his supervisor. When Shirley makes it clear that she is responsible for her stuff, and Lucas for his, he will rise to the occasion and do his part. Shirley will not have to the be the bad guy anymore. There will be two good guys in a good and respectful partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Are You Mad When You Get Taken For Granted?

Imagining The Good Times

Preparing for her younger sister’s visit put some pep into Faith’s steps. She recalled Nancy’s last visit when they had fun at the beach, going to movies and eating out. The thought of having those precious moments again made Faith feel warm inside.

Disappointment Strikes and Blood Boils

Nancy took the hospitality for granted, and Faith saw red. Her blood began to boil each time Nancy left her dirty dishes on the table, threw her clothes on the floor, or went out without inviting her hosts. She never offered to take them out or pay for anything during family outings. Faith couldn’t get over the fact that her well heeled sister would be so selfish, thoughtless and ungrateful. Her buttons were pushed a million times a day during that long weekend. But she never said a word.

Taking It Out On Your Partner

After Nancy left, Faith sniped at Bruno just for being in the same room. All the things she had wanted to tell Nancy, she said to Bruno. “ Wash the dishes before bed!” she commanded. “You can do your own laundry, I’m busy,” she pronounced as he got undressed for bed. “ I paid for the groceries this weekend, so you better pay for the rest of the week,” she vented her anger at him. Her sister had abused her, so now she was going to abuse Bruno.

Hot Button Flames Destroy The Bonds

Bruno was understandably upset and stood up for himself. He wasn’t going to be her whipping boy. Their relationship became tense and frayed as they went into their own corners, avoiding each other and each waiting for an apology. The flames from Faith’s hot buttons were so fierce that it temporarily destroyed the bond between them.

Faith’s path to managing her hot buttons

· create an equal playing field from the get go and make it clear to Nancy what is expected of her if she stays in Faith’s house.

· don’t expect that Nancy will act like a responsible grown up if you let her get away with being an irresponsible child.

· tell Nancy what you want her to do and what her share of the responsibility will be

· let Nancy know what you feel when you feel it, so it doesn’t build up.

That way Faith will get acknowledged, respected and appreciated. Three fewer buttons to push and less strain on Bruno and Faith’s relationship.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.