Are You Mad When You Get Taken For Granted?

Imagining The Good Times

Preparing for her younger sister’s visit put some pep into Faith’s steps. She recalled Nancy’s last visit when they had fun at the beach, going to movies and eating out. The thought of having those precious moments again made Faith feel warm inside.

Disappointment Strikes and Blood Boils

Nancy took the hospitality for granted, and Faith saw red. Her blood began to boil each time Nancy left her dirty dishes on the table, threw her clothes on the floor, or went out without inviting her hosts. She never offered to take them out or pay for anything during family outings. Faith couldn’t get over the fact that her well heeled sister would be so selfish, thoughtless and ungrateful. Her buttons were pushed a million times a day during that long weekend. But she never said a word.

Taking It Out On Your Partner

After Nancy left, Faith sniped at Bruno just for being in the same room. All the things she had wanted to tell Nancy, she said to Bruno. “ Wash the dishes before bed!” she commanded. “You can do your own laundry, I’m busy,” she pronounced as he got undressed for bed. “ I paid for the groceries this weekend, so you better pay for the rest of the week,” she vented her anger at him. Her sister had abused her, so now she was going to abuse Bruno.

Hot Button Flames Destroy The Bonds

Bruno was understandably upset and stood up for himself. He wasn’t going to be her whipping boy. Their relationship became tense and frayed as they went into their own corners, avoiding each other and each waiting for an apology. The flames from Faith’s hot buttons were so fierce that it temporarily destroyed the bond between them.

Faith’s path to managing her hot buttons

· create an equal playing field from the get go and make it clear to Nancy what is expected of her if she stays in Faith’s house.

· don’t expect that Nancy will act like a responsible grown up if you let her get away with being an irresponsible child.

· tell Nancy what you want her to do and what her share of the responsibility will be

· let Nancy know what you feel when you feel it, so it doesn’t build up.

That way Faith will get acknowledged, respected and appreciated. Three fewer buttons to push and less strain on Bruno and Faith’s relationship.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.