You Always Let Me Down!

Show me I matter to you




The award ceremony was well under way but there was still no sign of Larry. With a sinking heart Yvonne took her place in line to receive her diploma. The shouts and hugs of congratulations were a blur as her eyes kept scanning the hall for her elder brother.

Getting the goodies from other’s doesn’t cut it
Yvonne’s friends honored her achievement with flowers, gifts and affection. Yet she was the pooper at her own party. Her heart was frozen. Larry had broken his promise. Choking back tears of acute disappointment she went through the motions of thanking her thoughtful pals.

Larry’s voice penetrated the happy atmosphere as he came up to embrace Yvonne. “ You are amazing sis, I always knew you could do it.”

The hot button - I should be important to you, but I’m not
Yvonne wrestled with her conflicting feelings of elation and anger. “ It’s too late now!” she responded as her buttons got pushed. “ You missed everything!”

“ Something came up. Sorry I had to miss the ceremony, but hey the party just got started,” Larry said, defending the charge.

“ Something came up! I guess it was a lot more important than my graduation. It’s a once in a lifetime experience and you couldn’t make the effort to be there for me!” Yvonne cut him dead.

Hot button sets off a spiral of resentful feelings
In a split second Yvonne was transported back to all those times when her mother made excuses for missing her school concerts and parent teacher conferences. Larry’s feeble alibi revived the same jabs she had experienced when her father dismissed her straight A report cards, and athletic trophies. She was as insignificant now as she had felt all those years ago.

Punishing strategies keep the hot button throbbing
Yvonne didn’t speak to Larry for several weeks. She needed to punish him. She wanted him to feel her pain, and the best way to do that was to avoid his calls. Any sense of power and control Yvonne gained during her withdrawal was off set by anger and bitterness eroding her peace of mind.

Keeping the hot buttons sizzling
The attempt to teach Larry a lesson backfired. Yvonne flogged herself with chants of worthlessness. Her achievements weren’t worth a damn if her brother couldn’t get his act together and turn up on time to her graduation. If he didn’t care about her, why should she care about herself?

Yvonne felt deprived of the recognition she believed she was entitled to. Wrath and vengeance destroyed the link to her brother, leaving her bereft. She was unable to feel the love and generosity of her friends, enlarging the void inside her. Rewarded with the easy win, the hot button got reinforced, stronger and more powerful, waiting to zap her next time it got triggered.

Hot button puts the relationship in jeopardy
In the grips of her hot button Yvonne has little access to her smarts. As she gets tired of torturing herself in the isolation chamber, and is ready to reconnect the severed threads of her attachments she should reflect on the destructive cycle she unconsciously perpetuates. Expecting her brother to substitute for the parents she wanted, while making up for the shortcomings of the parents she got puts Larry in a straight jacket.

He is set up to fail the test, and Yvonne has a repeat experience of being failed. The relationship fractures under pressure.

Weakening the hot button
Yvonne can use other measures to assign value to her existence such as the support and care she gets from friends and colleagues. The hot button will diminish in proportion to her growing sense of self-worth. She just has to be receptive to alternative sources of treasure. Instead of focusing on what she isn’t getting that she has a right to get, she would get more by valuing what she is getting and treasuring it.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.


Resource: Do your buttons get pushed when you have been injured in a car crash through no fault of your own? Has your ability to work and lead a normal life been compromised by your work related injury? If so, Jeffery Shane, Esq. Personal Injury Lawyer can help you. You can reach him at 310-820-644. or at jshane@sbcglobal.net