The whining started again. What did Lynn want this time? Vicky hadn't long since got him settled with his toys after his swimming lesson. But he couldn't keep himself occupied for more than a few minutes. Vicky took her 7 year old son to the park hoping to get some peace from his constant cranky demands. A bit of time to herself would be so wonderful. The swings, slides and climbing frames soon lost their novelty value. His mother gave him his favorite snacks she had carefully prepared for their picnic, but he yelled for an ice-cream as he heard the musical van stop by. The harder she tried to reason with him the worse his tantrum became.
The Hot Button Reaches Boiling Point
Vicky was acutely embarrassed as her son's tantrum showed her up in front of other mothers in the park. Shame, humiliation and rage triggered her hot button. Her son's relentless demands created a massive conflict inside her. The only thing she wanted to do was shut him up and look good. Her tongue lashing did the trick as she released the heat from her hot button. But she had to suffer the guilt that flooded her as her son's sobbing added another layer of 'badness' on her sense of self-worth.
Where Did This Button Get It's Force?
Vicky grew up in a household where her father got the best of everything, first last and always. His temper was fierce and no one dared cross him. Everyone sacrificed themselves so that he could be appeased and pacified. Vicky's mother didn't acknowledge her daughter's needs let alone attempt to meet them. Vicky learned the rule of pacification - let daddy have what he wants, then he won't yell at me and call me a bad girl.
The Button Is Identified
At the moment of explosion, Vicky couldn't tell the difference between her father's selfishness and her 7 year old son's natural hunger for everything in the world.
She was jealous of her son, even though the parent in her wanted to give him a better quality childhood.
Dealing With The Hot Button - take care of both kids
Vicky is basically a good parent to her son. But she doesn't have a good parent inside her that is taking care of her. Now she is an adult she can satisfy that resentful child inside her. She has two children to take care of if she is to get the better of this very destructive hot button. She has to take care of that starving child inside her, and her own son. Then and only then will she have mastery of her hot button and ensure her relationship with her son doesn't repeat the frustrations of her childhood.
Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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