Agreements Get Turned On Their Heads
Bree got ready for her girls night out. Neal had agreed to look after the kids and she was free to let loose. As she put on her shoes Neal’s voice shattered her peaceful moment.
“ Tim’s been coughing. I think he‘s getting worse. Sure you still want to go out?”
Emotional Blackmail Triggers a Hot Button
Bree’s heart flew out of her chest. Her jaw tightened, her teeth ground together and her body went rigid. Gasps of indignation and disbelief gathered in her throat. “ What! YOU pushed me to go out yesterday. YOU told me to take a break. YOU said you would be fine with Tim! Now, just before I leave you throw me this line! You cunning swine!” blasted Bree who reeled with outrage.
“ Well I thought Tim would be better by now. You know the doctor said we have to watch him carefully.” Neal continued with his emotionally blackmailing guilt trip.
Why is Neal Engaging in Blackmail?
When Neal initially encouraged Bree to have her night out, he was in a good place, feeling secure and connected to his wife. At that moment they were both parents united in caring for their son. As the time came for Bree to go out, Neal was in a very different place. He was feeling envious that Bree was free to enjoy herself while he had to sacrifice himself and take care of their son. It was just like those times when his parents went out and left him to look after his little sister. He hadn’t been able to say anything then. But now he could. Feeling uncoupled and angry with Bree, it was as if she had turned into his mother, abdicating her responsibility to take care of him and his sister. So he brought out the cannon of guilt. He used emotional blackmail, the only way he could ensure his wife stayed with him.
What’s Bree’s Hot Button?
It had been so wonderful to get Neal’s permission and encouragement to go out on her own. He appeared to sense her need for a break and wanted her to enjoy herself. For once he was putting her first. Then like a bolt from the blue he switched his position, making snide threats. Her self-esteem was crushed. Neal put her in a catch-22 situation. If she went out she would feel guilty and not enjoy herself, never mind the outcast she would be when she came back. If she gave into Neal, he would get the upper hand and spoil the partnership between them. She would resent him and want to take revenge. It was just like her father telling her she was beautiful and worthy of a good date, and then stopping her from dating anyone! A whole set of dry tinder just waiting to be lit up into a fire of rage.
Cooling Down the Communications
Neal and Bree set each other off whenever they experience some unfinished business from the past. Talking to each other about these hot buttons will make these sores less potent and inflamed. Once Bree understands why it’s so hard for Neal to be left with the kids if she is out enjoying herself, she can take steps to ensure that his old pain isn’t reactivated. Listening to and understanding Bree’s fury at being given double messages helps Neal craft a different message when he feels angry and envious.
Retaining Power In a New Space of Understanding
Talking and understanding each other’s experiences creates space for both Neal and Bree to approach these potential sore spots in ways that offer mutual support. By giving each other a new experience in situations that bring up hot button issues, they take charge of their emotions and retain their power. Not only will they become closer and more equal partners, but they will complete the unfinished business from the past in a positive way.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment