Whats the real reason you get mad when you don't get what you want?

I do what you want, but you never let me do what I want!
Henry had his heart set on the new plasma TV, but Louise wondered whether it was the best way of spending money at this point. There were important house repairs to consider.

Henry blew up. “ You never let me have what I want! When you wanted to go to Malta I agreed because I knew what that meant to you. I let you choose the living room furniture even though I hated it. Yet when something is important to me you pour cold water all over it, and make me feel selfish.”

You just want to stack up points to use against me!
“ I’m sick of your whining. You have the money. You can buy whatever you want. I don’t know why you bother asking for my approval. You just do it to stack up points that you can beat me with when I don’t agree with you.” Louise retaliated with fury to being manipulated.

Henry was torn between feeling selfish and being a burden
Henry had been angry a long time. As far back as he could remember his sick younger brother Samuel got all the free passes at home. His father gave into Samuel’s tantrums to keep him happy. His mother was torn between making sure Sam was doing okay, and trying to take care of her husband. Henry was expected to be the good son who never needed nor wanted anything other than the basics.

Henry became furious when his carefully thought out plan failed
The injustice of his childhood kept the anger smouldering on a bed of hot coals that was constantly stoked up. He got more and more furious that even when he didn’t have to compete with a needy brother, he still didn’t get what he needed. Henry made a deal with himself. If he let his wife have what she wanted even if he didn’t like it himself, then he would be entitled to expect the same from her.

Henry’s plan didn’t work. Louise didn’t buy into his scheme. Henry’s rage grew fiercer and the relationship became a battle ground. Henry refused to give himself permission to enjoy things he could get for himself, and Louise refused to be put in the role of the bad guy who spoiled his life.

How can Henry and Louise stop the cycle of anger that interferes with their intimacy?
Henry needs to get clear on what his anger is really about. His anger is not about the car. It is about not knowing where he stands with Louise and trying to figure it out.

Henry should share with Louise his feelings of guilt, unworthiness and rage at never feeling secure enough to be able to legitimize his own wants and needs.

Louise should try and hear it as part of Henry’s issue rather than take it personally and strike back. She can then share her hurt when he puts her in the role of judge and jury.


When Henry and Louise feel and hear each other’s hurt, anger and frustration, they have begun to take a new journey together towards satisfying the hunger they both have to be seen as good, worthy and lovable people.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2009

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