Are You Mad That Someone From The Past Is Coming To Ruin Your Future?

A request by his friends makes Cliff feel bitterly betrayed
The wedding invitations were going out and Cliff refused to ask Floyd to attend. He hated the guy and wanted nothing to do with him. His buddies tried to get him to change his mind. They reminded him of the good times they all had as high schoolers. They brought back memories of the time when Cliff thought Floyd was the man! Floyd used to be the ticket to get into night clubs, hot parties and booze.

Bad memories cast an angry shadow over Cliff's wedding
Cliff remembered the times when Floyd ruled his life. He did everything Floyd said so he could have access to the good life. At that time he made a deal with himself that he would put up with taking the ribbing and humiliation. It made Floyd feel good, and if Floyd felt good it meant that he would include Cliff in his plans. Floyd used Cliff’s eagerness to be in his world to boss him around.

Holding on to grudges nearly lost Cliff his best friends
Cliff’s life took him to another part of the country. He began to stand up for himself and get what he wanted for himself. He felt good, strong and his own man. Until the time for his wedding came around. The shadow of Floyd loomed large over his upcoming celebration. Just the thought of Floyd being around made him yell at his friends for bringing Floyd back into the picture. A gigantic hot button was pushed when Floyd’s name was mentioned.

Years and years of holding onto the grudge made Cliff lose control. He called them traitors and didn’t speak to them for weeks. A rift threatened to spoil his big day. He relived every moment that Floyd had made him feel like a loser. Each memory stoked his sense of power. He was pumped with a determination to put an end to the abuse Floyd had inflicted on him.

Cliff's emotions got hijacked by old grudges, turning him into a killer
When Floyd called out of the blue to ask why he hadn’t been invited to the wedding Cliff hit hard. He punched and jabbed and poked and floored Floyd with his surprise attack. The years of holding in grudges silenced Floyd. Cliff felt so good! He was drunk with power and vengeance. So different to the shame he used to feel.

Cliff allowed years of festering grudge to build up his courage. The only way he could feel entitled to protect himself was by holding in anger and resentment until it became a lethal weapon. Stamping on Floyd from this place of deadly emotion took away the shame that he felt as a teenager. But it created an even bigger problem for Cliff in his adult life. He may have successfully axed Floyd, but he also chopped up the connections with his good friends and almost ruined his wedding.

Forgiveness rather than pardon will be the secret to Cliff's happy marriage
Cliff’s best bet is to begin the path to forgiveness. He has to forgive himself for not being able to stand up to Floyd. He needs to forgive himself for choosing the goodies that Floyd brought instead of his dignity and sense of self-worth. Then and only then can he begin to forgive Floyd for using the situation as a way of feeling superior. That doesn’t mean he has to excuse Floyd’s behavior, or pardon it. If Cliff re-draws the whole experience as one where both had a part to play, Cliff can repair the damage with his true friends and start married life as a man who uses his power productively rather than destructively.


Recent research indicates that holding in grudges and lack of willingness to forgive is one of the main contributory factors of unsuccessful marriages. Cliff’s chances of having a stable and secure marriage depend greatly on his willingness to stop holding grudges and forgive himself and others in an effort to understand the mess that is bound to be made in all relationships.


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Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.