What's The Best Way Of Expressing Your Anger?

Do you feel ashamed when you lash out at the people you love the most? Do you wish you could erase it for ever and be free of this beastly emotion? That’s because there is a taboo against feeling and expressing anger, particularly if done in a loud, over the top and explosive way. We don’t like to think of ourselves as uncontrolled and irrational. When our hot buttons get pushed beyond what we can manage we feel scared that we have let ourselves down, that others will think badly of us and that we may never recover our good image.

Do you prefer showing your anger by giving someone the silent treatment?
Now think of the time when a friend didn’t return your calls and you felt angry at being ignored. Perhaps you didn’t answer the phone when your friend did eventually call you back. You wanted to get your own back and punish your friend. It is a conscious and premeditated act of anger. Somehow this way of releasing anger is more acceptable, but not necessarily better for the relationship.

Do you let your anger stew until the moment when you can do the most damage?
Imagine the last time you pretended you had a headache when your partner reached out for physical contact, affection or sex. You may not have remembered what you were angry about anymore, but the urge to regain the upper hand led you to strike back just when your partner was most vulnerable. It stewed and frothed and fermented until just the right moment. It is fury made to smell a little sweeter to you the injured party, who needs to feel in charge again.

Do you feel better when you react to anger by laying a guilt trip on the one upsetting you?
Have you ever forgotten a loved one’s birthday or a special anniversary? Did your loved one make snide comments designed to make you feel guilty? Their anger at your lapse of memory came out in a sneaky but very effective way. It humiliated you and may have roused your anger. Laying on the guilt may have made your loved one feel superior for a little while, but making you feel small just drove a huge wedge between you.

The good news and bad news about Venting anger
Venting rage releases tension in the short term and gives you a temporary sense of power and control, but does nothing to address the triggers that push your buttons. The power and control is so short lived that you have to erupt again just to get that feeling back. So you are caught in a vicious circle of becoming enraged and trampling everything around you. You never learn how to deal with your discomfort and have to live with this monster that comes out of you every now and then. In the long run you create fear and push people away. You can end up lonely and deprive yourself of the chance to be heard and fix the problems.

Good news and bad news about taking vengeance and laying on the guilt trip
Punishing those that have hurt and upset you by withdrawing love, or piling on the guilt gives you immense power and control. The powerful feeling lasts longer than venting, and you get the pleasure of doing to others what they did to you. But the damage you do to your relationships is more serious and less easy to repair - for the simple reason that you deliberately set out to hurt in order to avenge your anger. The stress that gets put on the relationship removes layers of trust and openness.

The most productive way of expressing anger
The first step is to acknowledge that you have a right to feel angry. That small but vital permission will lessen the chances of your explosive monster coming out and shaming you.

Next, talk to the person who provoked your anger and tell them what it’s like for you when they say or do things that enrage you.

Then find out what the person’s intentions were and revisit your response. Are you still as angry or do you feel less personally attacked?

It may not be easy to follow these steps but you will improve with practice. Honoring your anger instead of using it to feel big or punish others improves communication and builds strong and durable relationship bonds.


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.


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How Do You Get Revenge on the People That Let You Down?

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It’s so annoying not to sleep well!

Justin was awake at 3:00 a.m. and he cursed the useless homeopathic sleep remedies he had been prescribed. He teeth clenched as his mind raced with thoughts of the day ahead. He imagined the pain, the stress, the discomfort and having to suffer at work. No one was going to cut him slack at his job. He had to try something different to cure his back pain, or else he would be a nervous wreck.

Hope got crushed and Justin got mad!

He called and complained to his homeopathic doctor before he made an appointment with an acupuncturist. Justin’s hopes were dashed again when a series of treatments didn’t do the trick for more than a few hours. He was spending good money for these treatments, following them as directed and it failed him. He became overwhelmed with fury.

Justin told his acupuncturist that the treatments were useless and began an exercise regimen with a fitness trainer to stretch his back. He also went to yoga classes.

Justin’s back ache disappears when he blames everyone else

Justin’s hot buttons were being pushed by people promising him relief and care but not delivering. Each disappointment made his anger stronger. He wanted them to feel guilty for not keeping their promises and letting him down. That made Justin feel big and powerful. When they felt bad and guilty Justin felt strong and in charge. His back ache disappeared!

What’s getting angry got to do with a back ache?

When Justin was a kid he was always being let down. He lived through many broken promises and he was disappointed more often than not by those people who were supposed to take care of him. The only time he got a little comfort was when he was sick. He was helpless and couldn’t do anything about it then, but now he can.

Justin learned to ask for care by being sick. As an adult he did it with backache. When the doctors and trainers don’t provide what he wants he can legitimately lay the guilt trip on them and feel strong. Now he makes up for all those times when he didn’t get the care he was entitled to. Once he yells and punishes, there is no more need for the backache until the next time.

What’s Justin going to do when he has guilted everyone away?

Justin doesn’t feel powerful for very long. Soon he needs to be wanted and cared for again, so the backache comes back and he finds another remedy, and begins the whole cycle again. When there is no one left to help him he is alone and miserable. Without knowing it he became his own worst enemy. He can take a step towards feeling strong without having to use guilt as a weapon. Learning to forgive the past and mourn his disappointments will be a good beginning.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.


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Do You See Red When You Get Emotionally Blackmailed?

Agreements Get Turned On Their Heads
Bree got ready for her girls night out. Neal had agreed to look after the kids and she was free to let loose. As she put on her shoes Neal’s voice shattered her peaceful moment.
“ Tim’s been coughing. I think he‘s getting worse. Sure you still want to go out?”

Emotional Blackmail Triggers a Hot Button
Bree’s heart flew out of her chest. Her jaw tightened, her teeth ground together and her body went rigid. Gasps of indignation and disbelief gathered in her throat. “ What! YOU pushed me to go out yesterday. YOU told me to take a break. YOU said you would be fine with Tim! Now, just before I leave you throw me this line! You cunning swine!” blasted Bree who reeled with outrage.

“ Well I thought Tim would be better by now. You know the doctor said we have to watch him carefully.” Neal continued with his emotionally blackmailing guilt trip.

Why is Neal Engaging in Blackmail?
When Neal initially encouraged Bree to have her night out, he was in a good place, feeling secure and connected to his wife. At that moment they were both parents united in caring for their son. As the time came for Bree to go out, Neal was in a very different place. He was feeling envious that Bree was free to enjoy herself while he had to sacrifice himself and take care of their son. It was just like those times when his parents went out and left him to look after his little sister. He hadn’t been able to say anything then. But now he could. Feeling uncoupled and angry with Bree, it was as if she had turned into his mother, abdicating her responsibility to take care of him and his sister. So he brought out the cannon of guilt. He used emotional blackmail, the only way he could ensure his wife stayed with him.

What’s Bree’s Hot Button?
It had been so wonderful to get Neal’s permission and encouragement to go out on her own. He appeared to sense her need for a break and wanted her to enjoy herself. For once he was putting her first. Then like a bolt from the blue he switched his position, making snide threats. Her self-esteem was crushed. Neal put her in a catch-22 situation. If she went out she would feel guilty and not enjoy herself, never mind the outcast she would be when she came back. If she gave into Neal, he would get the upper hand and spoil the partnership between them. She would resent him and want to take revenge. It was just like her father telling her she was beautiful and worthy of a good date, and then stopping her from dating anyone! A whole set of dry tinder just waiting to be lit up into a fire of rage.

Cooling Down the Communications
Neal and Bree set each other off whenever they experience some unfinished business from the past. Talking to each other about these hot buttons will make these sores less potent and inflamed. Once Bree understands why it’s so hard for Neal to be left with the kids if she is out enjoying herself, she can take steps to ensure that his old pain isn’t reactivated. Listening to and understanding Bree’s fury at being given double messages helps Neal craft a different message when he feels angry and envious.

Retaining Power In a New Space of Understanding
Talking and understanding each other’s experiences creates space for both Neal and Bree to approach these potential sore spots in ways that offer mutual support. By giving each other a new experience in situations that bring up hot button issues, they take charge of their emotions and retain their power. Not only will they become closer and more equal partners, but they will complete the unfinished business from the past in a positive way.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.