Is Anger Better than Guilt, Fear, Shame or Hopelessness?

Wesley was angry about everything including being angry

Although not entirely unexpected the call at 5:00a.m. informing Wesley of his brother’s death was startling. The shock was soon replaced by waves of fury. Wesley was angry that he had to fly across the country for the funeral instead of using the money for a family vacation. He was angry that he had no opportunity to say goodbye to his brother. He was angry that his mother didn’t alert him in time.

Anger seemed the best way to avoid feeling anything !

Most of all, Wesley was angry that he had to feel anything at all. He didn’t want to feel sad. He didn’t want to feel the loss. He didn’t want to feel bad for his father. He didn’t want to feel concerned about his sister and how she would cope. He didn’t want to feel the inconvenience of having to turn his life upside down for a while. He just wanted to numb it all away.

Wesley was proud of using anger to keep a lid on all other feelings

A hard coating of anger protected Wesley from all the feelings he wanted to avoid. He never wanted to relive those moments from his childhood when he heard his mother cry uncontrollably and felt helpless to do anything for her. He was determined to prevent any repetition of those times when his father tried to cover his fear with bravado when ever his wife threatened to leave.

Feelings were overwhelming, ugly, scary things that made him feel powerless, lost, and vulnerable to ‘losing it.’ Wesley took pride in keeping ‘ a lid on’ so that he could maintain his sense of being in control. The tighter the lid, the more irritable and angry he became. Anyone trying to reach him was swatted away with a curt, short tone of voice.

Anger was Wesley's only weapon against feeling like a nut case

But underneath, Wesley was hurting bad. The tears were welling up, and the lump in his throat almost choked him. He couldn’t let himself feel anything up close because it was too big for him, and he imagined it was too much for everyone else too. He believed that if he allowed himself to feel any of the messy emotions churning around inside him, it would make him into a ‘basket case.’  No one would want to have anything to do with a ‘basket case,’ so best to keep that lid firmly on top of the raging emotions. Drink them down, eat them away, busy them off the radar screen - anything but feel them.

Anger robbed Wesley of the cure to his emotional turmoil

The rage became more pronounced when no one came to comfort Wesley. Everyone tiptoed around him, trying to pick up chores as a way of showing their understanding. Wesley’s anger not only kept a lid on his feelings, but created a thick wall between him and his loved ones. Giving the impression that he was strong and could handle things using anger as a power source, denied him the very antidote to his turbulent emotions -comfort, understanding and stability.

Anger may feel powerful but it robs you of companionship and love

The plan to numb himself out worked against Wesley. He found that while one part of him was defending himself against massive emotional upheaval, another part of him was expecting his loved ones to penetrate the thick wall and accurately tune into him, offering him solace. He wanted them to feel his pain, fear, sadness and need for comfort so he didn’t have to feel it himself.  He could bypass the shameful feelings that crushed him, while experiencing it second hand through those around him. Let others show their sadness, their worry for him,  their fear that he may not get over it. Let them feel the uncertainty of fear, panic and grief. He was not about to go anywhere near it himself.

Anger leads to loneliness and despair

When his loved ones were unable to breach the wall he put up, and gave up trying to comfort him, Wesley became more enraged until loneliness and despair overtook him. That’s when he felt ready to work on his anger in therapy. Wesley’s feelings of heartbreak and despair gave him an opening to explore his  overwhelming that  threatened to wipe him out.

Sharing feelings brings security and reduces the need for anger

It was his feelings and wishes for comfort and reassurance that opened the door to Wesley’s discoveries:

1. It takes courage to admit to your feelings and sit with them.
2. People empathize by using common feelings that are human, not weak or ugly.
3. Owning your feelings means you can show them to others in an open way.
4. Showing feelings openly brings genuine connection, comfort, security and calmness.
5. Bad feelings are lessened and good feelings come to take their place.
6. Anger isn’t a useful way of feeling powerful or avoiding helplessness.
7. Feeling understood, secure and cared for reduces the need for anger as a way to demand from others what you are too scared to face yourself.

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Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010

What's The Best Way Of Expressing Your Anger?

Do you feel ashamed when you lash out at the people you love the most? Do you wish you could erase it for ever and be free of this beastly emotion? That’s because there is a taboo against feeling and expressing anger, particularly if done in a loud, over the top and explosive way. We don’t like to think of ourselves as uncontrolled and irrational. When our hot buttons get pushed beyond what we can manage we feel scared that we have let ourselves down, that others will think badly of us and that we may never recover our good image.

Do you prefer showing your anger by giving someone the silent treatment?
Now think of the time when a friend didn’t return your calls and you felt angry at being ignored. Perhaps you didn’t answer the phone when your friend did eventually call you back. You wanted to get your own back and punish your friend. It is a conscious and premeditated act of anger. Somehow this way of releasing anger is more acceptable, but not necessarily better for the relationship.

Do you let your anger stew until the moment when you can do the most damage?
Imagine the last time you pretended you had a headache when your partner reached out for physical contact, affection or sex. You may not have remembered what you were angry about anymore, but the urge to regain the upper hand led you to strike back just when your partner was most vulnerable. It stewed and frothed and fermented until just the right moment. It is fury made to smell a little sweeter to you the injured party, who needs to feel in charge again.

Do you feel better when you react to anger by laying a guilt trip on the one upsetting you?
Have you ever forgotten a loved one’s birthday or a special anniversary? Did your loved one make snide comments designed to make you feel guilty? Their anger at your lapse of memory came out in a sneaky but very effective way. It humiliated you and may have roused your anger. Laying on the guilt may have made your loved one feel superior for a little while, but making you feel small just drove a huge wedge between you.

The good news and bad news about Venting anger
Venting rage releases tension in the short term and gives you a temporary sense of power and control, but does nothing to address the triggers that push your buttons. The power and control is so short lived that you have to erupt again just to get that feeling back. So you are caught in a vicious circle of becoming enraged and trampling everything around you. You never learn how to deal with your discomfort and have to live with this monster that comes out of you every now and then. In the long run you create fear and push people away. You can end up lonely and deprive yourself of the chance to be heard and fix the problems.

Good news and bad news about taking vengeance and laying on the guilt trip
Punishing those that have hurt and upset you by withdrawing love, or piling on the guilt gives you immense power and control. The powerful feeling lasts longer than venting, and you get the pleasure of doing to others what they did to you. But the damage you do to your relationships is more serious and less easy to repair - for the simple reason that you deliberately set out to hurt in order to avenge your anger. The stress that gets put on the relationship removes layers of trust and openness.

The most productive way of expressing anger
The first step is to acknowledge that you have a right to feel angry. That small but vital permission will lessen the chances of your explosive monster coming out and shaming you.

Next, talk to the person who provoked your anger and tell them what it’s like for you when they say or do things that enrage you.

Then find out what the person’s intentions were and revisit your response. Are you still as angry or do you feel less personally attacked?

It may not be easy to follow these steps but you will improve with practice. Honoring your anger instead of using it to feel big or punish others improves communication and builds strong and durable relationship bonds.


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.


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It’s so annoying not to sleep well!

Justin was awake at 3:00 a.m. and he cursed the useless homeopathic sleep remedies he had been prescribed. He teeth clenched as his mind raced with thoughts of the day ahead. He imagined the pain, the stress, the discomfort and having to suffer at work. No one was going to cut him slack at his job. He had to try something different to cure his back pain, or else he would be a nervous wreck.

Hope got crushed and Justin got mad!

He called and complained to his homeopathic doctor before he made an appointment with an acupuncturist. Justin’s hopes were dashed again when a series of treatments didn’t do the trick for more than a few hours. He was spending good money for these treatments, following them as directed and it failed him. He became overwhelmed with fury.

Justin told his acupuncturist that the treatments were useless and began an exercise regimen with a fitness trainer to stretch his back. He also went to yoga classes.

Justin’s back ache disappears when he blames everyone else

Justin’s hot buttons were being pushed by people promising him relief and care but not delivering. Each disappointment made his anger stronger. He wanted them to feel guilty for not keeping their promises and letting him down. That made Justin feel big and powerful. When they felt bad and guilty Justin felt strong and in charge. His back ache disappeared!

What’s getting angry got to do with a back ache?

When Justin was a kid he was always being let down. He lived through many broken promises and he was disappointed more often than not by those people who were supposed to take care of him. The only time he got a little comfort was when he was sick. He was helpless and couldn’t do anything about it then, but now he can.

Justin learned to ask for care by being sick. As an adult he did it with backache. When the doctors and trainers don’t provide what he wants he can legitimately lay the guilt trip on them and feel strong. Now he makes up for all those times when he didn’t get the care he was entitled to. Once he yells and punishes, there is no more need for the backache until the next time.

What’s Justin going to do when he has guilted everyone away?

Justin doesn’t feel powerful for very long. Soon he needs to be wanted and cared for again, so the backache comes back and he finds another remedy, and begins the whole cycle again. When there is no one left to help him he is alone and miserable. Without knowing it he became his own worst enemy. He can take a step towards feeling strong without having to use guilt as a weapon. Learning to forgive the past and mourn his disappointments will be a good beginning.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.


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How to stay rational even when you are angry

Did you know that when you get mad your logical rational brain gets disconnected from your angry emotional brain?

Listen to Dr. Raymond's radio interview on Transforming Hurtful Anger into Healthy Anger

Natalia couldn't let him get away with trashing her!
Natalia sent her colleague a stinking email. She was furious at Julio for saying that going through the sales manual was a waste of time. She felt that all her hours of hard work and commitment were being trashed. How dare he put her down like this! It really hurt! At the moment she felt small and attacked, so chewing him out in the email was her way of defending herself.

Rational Natalia Can't Reach Hurt Natalia
Logical Natalia knows full well that Julio said nothing about her or her dedicated efforts to promote their company. But angry Natalia was hijacked by her over active right emotional brain. The right side of her brain was pinging so loud and so frantically that it cut off the information from her left rational brain. She lost access to her intelligent judgment because Julio's comments triggered a very sore spot. When that sore spot was poked, Natalia lashed out.

Natalia takes it personally
Julio's comments triggered memories of Natalia's father telling her she would never graduate high school, never get into college and never make anything of her life. Those mean and discouraging comments hurt a lot. When Natalia was a young girl she had no way of sticking up for herself. She couldn't risk her father's anger. So she never dealt with her awful feelings. When Julio triggered them, all those old feelings got stirred up. These feelings were so overwhelming and powerful that her right emotional brain got disconnected from her left logical and rational brain. The information flow stopped. All she had was raw emotion. So she retaliated as if Julio were her dad, putting her down.

Natalia is so agitated she thinks she is the same thing as a sales manual
When Natalia came back to earth, she felt embarrassed and a little ashamed. She didn't want to act like a tantruming child when she was at work. Natalia wanted to get to the bottom of this and consulted with me. She understood that Julio wasn't talking about her, or her efforts being useless. He found it more efficient to go directly to Internet marketing professionals to get the company the exposure it wanted. Natalia realized that when Julio spoke, she and the sales manual had become one and the same thing. That's when her rational intelligent left brain got disconnected from her right emotional brain and prevented her from seeing that he wasn't talking about her.

Once Natalia saw what was happening to her in these situations she stopped to ask herself what sore spots she was reliving. That helped her stay connected to her intelligent left brain, and it helped her make good decisions. She stopped taking things so personally because she kept the path open for her rational brain to feed information to her emotional brain and balance it out.

Listen to Dr. Raymond's radio interview on Transforming Hurtful Anger into Healthy Anger

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Mad That Wishing Won't Make Things Happen?

One sick kitten pushed Laurie’s buttons with a vengeance.

The vets bill came to $350 yet Laurie’s kitten still had a closed eye and a poor appetite.

Instead of enjoying the new addition to the family she was playing nursemaid, and ATM machine. She was furious that her kitten chosen with so much anticipated joy was now a sick helpless creature that she was responsible for.

Laurie has to take a back seat

Laurie was mad at the Vet for not being able to cure the kitten right away. She snapped at her neighbor who asked her to let a service engineer into the apartment. She lectured her daughter who asked for money to go on a school field trip. She yelled at her colleague for taking a few extra minutes for lunch.

She resented having to pay for expensive antibiotics that didn’t seem to work. She was frustrated that the kitten wouldn’t eat the expensive food the breeders recommended, and seething with rage that her life was now on hold while all her energies and money went into caring for the kitten.

What got under Laurie’s skin?

Laurie wanted something to make her happy. A cute affectionate kitten was just the job. It doesn’t need bathing, grooming or walking! Laurie didn’t want to have to work - she wanted instant reliable love in return for food, milk and treats.

When good things turned into work it was no longer fun. It became unfair, a burden and the total opposite of her fantasy image. That’s what got Laurie so enraged making her lose all reason which made life worse for herself. She felt punished when her wish didn’t work out exactly as planned. She then took it out on everyone in sight and ended up feeling exhausted, defeated and cynical.

Laurie’s Pathway to getting her wish

Laurie was in love with her fantasy and thought that getting a kitten would make the rest happen by magic. If she had created the foundation for the fantasy to become real, she wouldn’t have had such a rude awakening. Laurie could have done some research on the breed, looked at incidences of illness and disease, average cost of vets bills and taken out insurance to cover it.

Doing all the work before getting the kitten would have saved all the work she had to do after getting it. Preparing herself would have made her less stressed and likely to explode when the first little thing went wrong.

Laurie’s lesson is to appreciate that she has to marry fantasy with reality if the wish is going to have any chance of coming true and being successful. When Laurie can allow herself to let her emotional and logical brains converse, all her wishes can come true, and she will have a lot fewer hot buttons to deal with.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Do You See Red When You Get Emotionally Blackmailed?

Agreements Get Turned On Their Heads
Bree got ready for her girls night out. Neal had agreed to look after the kids and she was free to let loose. As she put on her shoes Neal’s voice shattered her peaceful moment.
“ Tim’s been coughing. I think he‘s getting worse. Sure you still want to go out?”

Emotional Blackmail Triggers a Hot Button
Bree’s heart flew out of her chest. Her jaw tightened, her teeth ground together and her body went rigid. Gasps of indignation and disbelief gathered in her throat. “ What! YOU pushed me to go out yesterday. YOU told me to take a break. YOU said you would be fine with Tim! Now, just before I leave you throw me this line! You cunning swine!” blasted Bree who reeled with outrage.

“ Well I thought Tim would be better by now. You know the doctor said we have to watch him carefully.” Neal continued with his emotionally blackmailing guilt trip.

Why is Neal Engaging in Blackmail?
When Neal initially encouraged Bree to have her night out, he was in a good place, feeling secure and connected to his wife. At that moment they were both parents united in caring for their son. As the time came for Bree to go out, Neal was in a very different place. He was feeling envious that Bree was free to enjoy herself while he had to sacrifice himself and take care of their son. It was just like those times when his parents went out and left him to look after his little sister. He hadn’t been able to say anything then. But now he could. Feeling uncoupled and angry with Bree, it was as if she had turned into his mother, abdicating her responsibility to take care of him and his sister. So he brought out the cannon of guilt. He used emotional blackmail, the only way he could ensure his wife stayed with him.

What’s Bree’s Hot Button?
It had been so wonderful to get Neal’s permission and encouragement to go out on her own. He appeared to sense her need for a break and wanted her to enjoy herself. For once he was putting her first. Then like a bolt from the blue he switched his position, making snide threats. Her self-esteem was crushed. Neal put her in a catch-22 situation. If she went out she would feel guilty and not enjoy herself, never mind the outcast she would be when she came back. If she gave into Neal, he would get the upper hand and spoil the partnership between them. She would resent him and want to take revenge. It was just like her father telling her she was beautiful and worthy of a good date, and then stopping her from dating anyone! A whole set of dry tinder just waiting to be lit up into a fire of rage.

Cooling Down the Communications
Neal and Bree set each other off whenever they experience some unfinished business from the past. Talking to each other about these hot buttons will make these sores less potent and inflamed. Once Bree understands why it’s so hard for Neal to be left with the kids if she is out enjoying herself, she can take steps to ensure that his old pain isn’t reactivated. Listening to and understanding Bree’s fury at being given double messages helps Neal craft a different message when he feels angry and envious.

Retaining Power In a New Space of Understanding
Talking and understanding each other’s experiences creates space for both Neal and Bree to approach these potential sore spots in ways that offer mutual support. By giving each other a new experience in situations that bring up hot button issues, they take charge of their emotions and retain their power. Not only will they become closer and more equal partners, but they will complete the unfinished business from the past in a positive way.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Why I am Always the Bad Guy?

Lucas Starts Worrying
Tax filing deadline was approaching. Lucas was anxious.
" Have you got all the paperwork together?" he challenged Shirley.

" I have my stuff ready. I don't know about your expenses and receipts." Shirley replied.

" What! You know I put the receipts in the box on the desk." He attacked to defend himself.

Shirley's Hot Button Explodes with Indignation
" You put them in the box. Well so what? I'm sick of reminding you to get things in order. I'm fed up of you making me out to be the irresponsible one, when you don't think about things in advance, you don't get your act together, and you blame me for not doing it for you." Shirley fought back.

Lucas Sticks to His Guns
Lucas was stunned and furious. Irresponsible? How could that be? She was supposed to deal with finance. Shirley ought to make sure all his paper work in order? She always asked him for his documents two months in advance. She didn't do it this time. It was her fault.

Passing The Hot Potato
Neither Lucas or Shirley wanted to be the one to blame. Naturally.

It was shameful for Lucas to be cast as irresponsible. He had gone along with Shirley's previous reminders, taking charge and being in control. He didn't have to bother with these chores. He left it to her gladly.

Whipping Boy Hot Button
Shirley had taken on the job of prodding and poking and goading Lucas because it was easier than finding out later that nothing had been done, and they were both in the river. But as time went on, she was developing a hot button. That of being the whipping boy. She was getting hotter and hotter with anger that she was the policeman and Lucas got away with all his irresponsible misdemeanors.

Removing The Hot Button
Lucas can become more responsible if she doesn't take the job of being his memory and his supervisor. When Shirley makes it clear that she is responsible for her stuff, and Lucas for his, he will rise to the occasion and do his part. Shirley will not have to the be the bad guy anymore. There will be two good guys in a good and respectful partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

A Good resource for you is
rajiv023.blogspot.com

Are You Mad When You Get Taken For Granted?

Imagining The Good Times

Preparing for her younger sister’s visit put some pep into Faith’s steps. She recalled Nancy’s last visit when they had fun at the beach, going to movies and eating out. The thought of having those precious moments again made Faith feel warm inside.

Disappointment Strikes and Blood Boils

Nancy took the hospitality for granted, and Faith saw red. Her blood began to boil each time Nancy left her dirty dishes on the table, threw her clothes on the floor, or went out without inviting her hosts. She never offered to take them out or pay for anything during family outings. Faith couldn’t get over the fact that her well heeled sister would be so selfish, thoughtless and ungrateful. Her buttons were pushed a million times a day during that long weekend. But she never said a word.

Taking It Out On Your Partner

After Nancy left, Faith sniped at Bruno just for being in the same room. All the things she had wanted to tell Nancy, she said to Bruno. “ Wash the dishes before bed!” she commanded. “You can do your own laundry, I’m busy,” she pronounced as he got undressed for bed. “ I paid for the groceries this weekend, so you better pay for the rest of the week,” she vented her anger at him. Her sister had abused her, so now she was going to abuse Bruno.

Hot Button Flames Destroy The Bonds

Bruno was understandably upset and stood up for himself. He wasn’t going to be her whipping boy. Their relationship became tense and frayed as they went into their own corners, avoiding each other and each waiting for an apology. The flames from Faith’s hot buttons were so fierce that it temporarily destroyed the bond between them.

Faith’s path to managing her hot buttons

· create an equal playing field from the get go and make it clear to Nancy what is expected of her if she stays in Faith’s house.

· don’t expect that Nancy will act like a responsible grown up if you let her get away with being an irresponsible child.

· tell Nancy what you want her to do and what her share of the responsibility will be

· let Nancy know what you feel when you feel it, so it doesn’t build up.

That way Faith will get acknowledged, respected and appreciated. Three fewer buttons to push and less strain on Bruno and Faith’s relationship.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

You Push My Hot Buttons And I'll Push Your Hot Buttons

Jay went on a spending spree for new clothes. “ What do you think of this jacket.? Wouldn’t it go well with these pants? Wow, look at the color of that shirt! Cool isn’t it?” Jay babbled excitedly.

Jay’s buttons got pushed by Chad’s Realism
“Yeah but that shirt is pretty expensive.” replied Chad. At that moment Jay’s excitement turned into a hot button of resentment. How dare Chad rain on his parade. He was supposed to be a friend. Chad was supposed to encourage him and make it fun, not put obstacles in the way! A button had been pushed and it made Jay sore. He made purchases with an angry heart.

Chad’s buttons got pushed by Jay’s Selfishness
Jay didn’t notice the bill when it arrived after lunch. Chad tried to bring it to Jay’s attention but Jay was oblivious, chatting on about the impression he thought his clothes would make. This time Chad’s hot buttons were pushed. He felt taken for granted and used. “ You’re a selfish and crafty dude! I always get stuck with the tab whenever we go out. You’re willing to pay a ton of money for those togs, but not split the check with me for lunch! Some friend you are!”

Two Hot Buttons Made For Each Other
Jay’s hot button throbbed when his self-centeredness was exposed. Chad’s hot button sizzled when his expectation that Jay would grow up was revealed. Both were blind. Jay was blind to his self-centeredness, and Chad was blind to the fact that Jay wouldn’t grow up unless forced to. Both were a perfect match for one another.

Hot Buttons Act as Mirrors
Chad’s outburst was the best mirror for Jay to look in. It helped him see how much he relied on Chad to keep him blind to his desire to be a kid forever. Jay’s selfishness and insensitivity gave Chad the nudge he needed to take care of his anger at being used. Both reflected what the other needed to see.

Cooling Each Other’s Buttons
Those buttons can be disengaged and cooled down when both friends start pointing out the necessary to one another. Basically they need to re-negotiate the terms of their friendship. Chad needs to feel that he can say it like he sees without risking losing Jay’s friendship - even though it might sting. Jay needs to appreciate that friendships are not just about getting approval and permission to be self-centered.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Give Me Your Attention Or Else I'm Leaving!

Felix is Irritated By His Wife Having Fun






A nice full stomach and well pleased taste buds tickled Felix’s tongue. He had enjoyed the dinner, but there was a price to pay. He had to hang around and make small talk while his wife sang songs and played the piano with her friends. He stuffed his irritation, told himself it wouldn’t be for ever, and tried to pass the time in a tolerable way. They had agreed before the party that when he was ready to go, he would signal her and she would bow out of the group. That was the condition on which he had agreed to go to this party given by her friends that he didn’t particularly like.

Felix is Restless and Restentful
A half hour later he had discovered every book title his hosts owned, every CD they stacked near the stereo and read a stray magazine. He looked over at his wife who was in her element enjoying the camaraderie of her friends as they sang familiar tunes. Felix made faces at her, pointing to his watch and making head movements suggesting it was time to leave.

Another ten minutes into the signaling back and forth made Felix hopping mad.

“One more song” she said and turned back to the group. Her procrastination infuriated him. It pushed his buttons so hard that he threatened to leave without her. He threw out a challenge. Them or me!

Monica withdrew in embarrassment and left with Felix. In the car on the way home she asked
“ Why do you always have to spoil my fun?”

Envy and Fear Trigger Felix’s Hot Button
Felix was consumed with envy. His hot button flared up when he felt the absence of Monica’s attention. It touched that nerve that throbbed with fear that without her focused attention he didn’t exist. That primal fear triggered his hot buttons and he acted accordingly - making a scene that demonstrated his distress and need for his wife’s full attention.

Managing the Hot Button and Saving The Marriage
Felix risks sabotaging his marriage if he doesn’t attend to this hot button. He can begin to deal with his fears by following these suggestions:
· Give himself attention by setting up activities that he enjoys
· Find separate interests with new groups of people and then share them with his wife, so that both can have lives outside of one another.



Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

My Monster Has Shown Up! Now She's Really Going To Leave Me!

Suspicion Sets Off The Alarm
Vic was having a great time at a holiday party, until he saw his fiance Cora smile and talk to another guy. The fire alarm inside him rang so loud that he had to take action. He went over and called her 'a bitch', 'a two-timer', and a liar. He accused her of stringing him along, pretending to care for him and having no sensitivity or loyalty. His betrayal hot button had been pushed big time. All it took was to see his loved one near other guys.

His voice was cracked, hard, bitter and gritty, rasping at Cora. His red face was contorted, muscles tight with fury and rage that came out in a tone that was designed to skin her alive.

Shame and Terror Overcome Vic
A day or so later, Vic was terrified that Cora would leave him. How could she tolerate this kind of explosion that came from an illogical suspicion? He knew there was no evidence that she was anything but loyal and loving to him. But when they were around other guys and there was booze around, the alarm bells went off and he became filled with anxiety and fear.

Vic's Monster
Vic felt lucky to have a wonderful finance. He couldn't quite believe that someone as kind and loving as Cora wanted to settle down with him. They planned to buy a house and get married in the next few months. But what now? She had seen the monster inside him. Wouldn't she shrink from it as fast as possible?

The Trigger of Betrayal
He was scared of it. This angry monster that came out of nowhere after all the years he had tried to control it. He tried anger management, he tried anti-anxiety medications, and talking about his feelings. He thought he got it licked. But when the trigger of betrayal was pulled it was as if he was a puppet in the gunman's hands.

Vicious Cycle of Self-Sabotage
Viv had been badly burned in previous relationships. His protective instincts were on guard every second of his life. It was so vigilant that innocent events were seen through the lens of suspicion and that set off the hot buttons, leading to his outburts. Then came the shame, the self-hate, the expectation that he would be abandoned. What a vicious cycle of self-sabotage!

Hostage to Destrutive Forces
Vic grew up in a family that never spoke about their feelings when they were upset. If anyone felt hurt or misunderstood they drank or they withdrew. They didn't talk and clear things up. There was no way for Vic to learn what was happening in these moments, so he developed an over zealous protective radar. Now it is getting in his way of keeping good people in his life.

Taking The Heat Out Of The Hot Button
Vic would do well to tell Cora about his family life and his experiences of getting burned. He needs to try to make holes in the wall that goes up when ever he feels threatened and vulnerable. Those holes can let in genuine care and reliability. Then Vic won't have to put Cora to the test, or wear those destructive lenses in his world viewer glasses. Their mutual dialogue can begin the process of trust.


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.