"Mom, I need the money for the weekend right now!" demanded her eighteen year old daughter.
Reacting to the hot button
Fueled with indignation Sharon's words shot out like guided missiles determined to destroy the grabbing, ungrateful source of threat to her at that moment. " I'm sick of being treated as an ATM machine. You never thank me. You never think of me and how hard I have to work for the money that you waste. If you need money go out and earn it!"
Naming the hot button
Sharon's hot button got triggered by her daughter's demand. The button's label reads
'being taken for granted, and unappreciated by close family members.'
A cocktail of pent up hurt and longing to be valued mixed with years of rage erupted. Mother and daughter now had a rift in their relationship as both went off into their corners feeling unfairly wounded and vulnerable. As the heat subsided, Sharon suffered the throbbing pain of fear and guilt - will I lose my daughter? Am I a mean bad parent?
How the hot button was created
Sharon helped her sister Ellisa prepare the party for their father's 80th birthday. As the guests left they thanked Ellisa and wished her father many more years of healthy life. Sharon drove home hurt and unappreciated. Her father had barely noticed her, made no mention of her efforts or contributions let alone thanked her for the party. Ellisa was heaped with teary eyed praise as a generous, loving daughter - as always. Despite 40 years of being ignored by her father, and living in her sister's shadow, Sharon kept hoping that the next time would be different. Nothing changed, and each layer of disappointment added to Sharon's anger. Her hot button was steaming with outrage and resentment. The angry vapors invaded every part of her body and mind fueling the already bubbling volcano primed to explode.
When her daughter made the demand, the bomb went off.
Deactivating the hot button
Once Sharon identifies the name of her hot button she has taken the first step in controlling it. She wants her efforts to be acknowledged, valued and appreciated. That is fine. She can increase her chances of being valued by recalibrating the currency used in the market of family relationships. Instead of investing in the hope that family will honor her unselfish acts, she would get greater returns by choosing a more varied portfolio. That translates to being available and giving of herself only when she truly wants to, and not when she would rather do something else. That way she doesn't set herself up for resentment when she is taken for granted. By placing a higher value on herself she makes it more desirable and therefore more worth having.
Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Read articles on how anger makes you fat, impotent and stressed
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