Before he turned off the engine as he pulled into the driveway, Mia got on his case. He never appreciated her, he hadn’t fixed the shower door, he failed to pick up their son from the child care facility on time, and he drank too much!
Doug’s breath came hard and fast. He felt attacked with a barrage of unfair bullets that seemed to hit him unawares. He was unarmed and defenseless. His stomach was in knots, his blood pumped in his throat and temples as he struggled to survive.
Big Hot Button Screeching Like a Siren
A whole bunch of buttons had been pushed and Doug didn’t know how to tackle this confusing mess that coated his entire being. There was a huge big red button that was screeching out like a siren, called
I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
The Bedrock For This Hot Button
Doug’s reacted strongly because he has a fundamental but unconscious belief that goes something like this:
If I was doing everything right, my wife would be happy and be saying nice things to me. She is angry with me, and that can only mean that I haven’t pleased her, therefore I am not doing things properly. My efforts have fallen short. I am a failure. I hate myself.
Satellite Buttons
Around the main self-critical button several satellites were orbiting around pinging with amber lights flicking on and off. They were also triggered by the demeaning comments Dough heard from his wife. They are
I’M NOT A PERFECT FATHER
I’M A BAD PARENT LIKE MY PARENTS
NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET IT RIGHT
I CAN’T PLEASE THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE - I AM NO GOOD
How can Doug Take The Sting Out of These Hot Buttons?
Doug’s wife can aim accurately at Doug’s set of buttons because some part of him buys into the fact that he is not good enough. So Doug needs to do the following:
1. Change the measure by which he judges his worth. Reading the meter that gauges his wife’s state of pleasure in him is precarious, and subject to her moods.
2. Doug needs to rehearse all the ways he has done what he thinks is reasonable in his relationship and let that become his reliable guide.
3. Once Doug can convince himself that he is a good parent, and husband the satellite buttons will slowly dissipate. They won’t feed the big hot button that underlies his low self-worth.
4. The belief that he isn’t good enough can be countered by homing in on evidence to the contrary. That eats away at the big button, which is less easy to see and manipulate.
Get help with your anger and improve your relationships
Read articles on how your anger can sabotage your weight loss program, and your sex life
Learn how to communicate effectively with your partner
copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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