Why I am Always the Bad Guy?

Lucas Starts Worrying
Tax filing deadline was approaching. Lucas was anxious.
" Have you got all the paperwork together?" he challenged Shirley.

" I have my stuff ready. I don't know about your expenses and receipts." Shirley replied.

" What! You know I put the receipts in the box on the desk." He attacked to defend himself.

Shirley's Hot Button Explodes with Indignation
" You put them in the box. Well so what? I'm sick of reminding you to get things in order. I'm fed up of you making me out to be the irresponsible one, when you don't think about things in advance, you don't get your act together, and you blame me for not doing it for you." Shirley fought back.

Lucas Sticks to His Guns
Lucas was stunned and furious. Irresponsible? How could that be? She was supposed to deal with finance. Shirley ought to make sure all his paper work in order? She always asked him for his documents two months in advance. She didn't do it this time. It was her fault.

Passing The Hot Potato
Neither Lucas or Shirley wanted to be the one to blame. Naturally.

It was shameful for Lucas to be cast as irresponsible. He had gone along with Shirley's previous reminders, taking charge and being in control. He didn't have to bother with these chores. He left it to her gladly.

Whipping Boy Hot Button
Shirley had taken on the job of prodding and poking and goading Lucas because it was easier than finding out later that nothing had been done, and they were both in the river. But as time went on, she was developing a hot button. That of being the whipping boy. She was getting hotter and hotter with anger that she was the policeman and Lucas got away with all his irresponsible misdemeanors.

Removing The Hot Button
Lucas can become more responsible if she doesn't take the job of being his memory and his supervisor. When Shirley makes it clear that she is responsible for her stuff, and Lucas for his, he will rise to the occasion and do his part. Shirley will not have to the be the bad guy anymore. There will be two good guys in a good and respectful partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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You Push My Hot Buttons And I'll Push Your Hot Buttons

Jay went on a spending spree for new clothes. “ What do you think of this jacket.? Wouldn’t it go well with these pants? Wow, look at the color of that shirt! Cool isn’t it?” Jay babbled excitedly.

Jay’s buttons got pushed by Chad’s Realism
“Yeah but that shirt is pretty expensive.” replied Chad. At that moment Jay’s excitement turned into a hot button of resentment. How dare Chad rain on his parade. He was supposed to be a friend. Chad was supposed to encourage him and make it fun, not put obstacles in the way! A button had been pushed and it made Jay sore. He made purchases with an angry heart.

Chad’s buttons got pushed by Jay’s Selfishness
Jay didn’t notice the bill when it arrived after lunch. Chad tried to bring it to Jay’s attention but Jay was oblivious, chatting on about the impression he thought his clothes would make. This time Chad’s hot buttons were pushed. He felt taken for granted and used. “ You’re a selfish and crafty dude! I always get stuck with the tab whenever we go out. You’re willing to pay a ton of money for those togs, but not split the check with me for lunch! Some friend you are!”

Two Hot Buttons Made For Each Other
Jay’s hot button throbbed when his self-centeredness was exposed. Chad’s hot button sizzled when his expectation that Jay would grow up was revealed. Both were blind. Jay was blind to his self-centeredness, and Chad was blind to the fact that Jay wouldn’t grow up unless forced to. Both were a perfect match for one another.

Hot Buttons Act as Mirrors
Chad’s outburst was the best mirror for Jay to look in. It helped him see how much he relied on Chad to keep him blind to his desire to be a kid forever. Jay’s selfishness and insensitivity gave Chad the nudge he needed to take care of his anger at being used. Both reflected what the other needed to see.

Cooling Each Other’s Buttons
Those buttons can be disengaged and cooled down when both friends start pointing out the necessary to one another. Basically they need to re-negotiate the terms of their friendship. Chad needs to feel that he can say it like he sees without risking losing Jay’s friendship - even though it might sting. Jay needs to appreciate that friendships are not just about getting approval and permission to be self-centered.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.