Mad That Wishing Won't Make Things Happen?

One sick kitten pushed Laurie’s buttons with a vengeance.

The vets bill came to $350 yet Laurie’s kitten still had a closed eye and a poor appetite.

Instead of enjoying the new addition to the family she was playing nursemaid, and ATM machine. She was furious that her kitten chosen with so much anticipated joy was now a sick helpless creature that she was responsible for.

Laurie has to take a back seat

Laurie was mad at the Vet for not being able to cure the kitten right away. She snapped at her neighbor who asked her to let a service engineer into the apartment. She lectured her daughter who asked for money to go on a school field trip. She yelled at her colleague for taking a few extra minutes for lunch.

She resented having to pay for expensive antibiotics that didn’t seem to work. She was frustrated that the kitten wouldn’t eat the expensive food the breeders recommended, and seething with rage that her life was now on hold while all her energies and money went into caring for the kitten.

What got under Laurie’s skin?

Laurie wanted something to make her happy. A cute affectionate kitten was just the job. It doesn’t need bathing, grooming or walking! Laurie didn’t want to have to work - she wanted instant reliable love in return for food, milk and treats.

When good things turned into work it was no longer fun. It became unfair, a burden and the total opposite of her fantasy image. That’s what got Laurie so enraged making her lose all reason which made life worse for herself. She felt punished when her wish didn’t work out exactly as planned. She then took it out on everyone in sight and ended up feeling exhausted, defeated and cynical.

Laurie’s Pathway to getting her wish

Laurie was in love with her fantasy and thought that getting a kitten would make the rest happen by magic. If she had created the foundation for the fantasy to become real, she wouldn’t have had such a rude awakening. Laurie could have done some research on the breed, looked at incidences of illness and disease, average cost of vets bills and taken out insurance to cover it.

Doing all the work before getting the kitten would have saved all the work she had to do after getting it. Preparing herself would have made her less stressed and likely to explode when the first little thing went wrong.

Laurie’s lesson is to appreciate that she has to marry fantasy with reality if the wish is going to have any chance of coming true and being successful. When Laurie can allow herself to let her emotional and logical brains converse, all her wishes can come true, and she will have a lot fewer hot buttons to deal with.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Why I am Always the Bad Guy?

Lucas Starts Worrying
Tax filing deadline was approaching. Lucas was anxious.
" Have you got all the paperwork together?" he challenged Shirley.

" I have my stuff ready. I don't know about your expenses and receipts." Shirley replied.

" What! You know I put the receipts in the box on the desk." He attacked to defend himself.

Shirley's Hot Button Explodes with Indignation
" You put them in the box. Well so what? I'm sick of reminding you to get things in order. I'm fed up of you making me out to be the irresponsible one, when you don't think about things in advance, you don't get your act together, and you blame me for not doing it for you." Shirley fought back.

Lucas Sticks to His Guns
Lucas was stunned and furious. Irresponsible? How could that be? She was supposed to deal with finance. Shirley ought to make sure all his paper work in order? She always asked him for his documents two months in advance. She didn't do it this time. It was her fault.

Passing The Hot Potato
Neither Lucas or Shirley wanted to be the one to blame. Naturally.

It was shameful for Lucas to be cast as irresponsible. He had gone along with Shirley's previous reminders, taking charge and being in control. He didn't have to bother with these chores. He left it to her gladly.

Whipping Boy Hot Button
Shirley had taken on the job of prodding and poking and goading Lucas because it was easier than finding out later that nothing had been done, and they were both in the river. But as time went on, she was developing a hot button. That of being the whipping boy. She was getting hotter and hotter with anger that she was the policeman and Lucas got away with all his irresponsible misdemeanors.

Removing The Hot Button
Lucas can become more responsible if she doesn't take the job of being his memory and his supervisor. When Shirley makes it clear that she is responsible for her stuff, and Lucas for his, he will rise to the occasion and do his part. Shirley will not have to the be the bad guy anymore. There will be two good guys in a good and respectful partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Are You Mad When You Get Taken For Granted?

Imagining The Good Times

Preparing for her younger sister’s visit put some pep into Faith’s steps. She recalled Nancy’s last visit when they had fun at the beach, going to movies and eating out. The thought of having those precious moments again made Faith feel warm inside.

Disappointment Strikes and Blood Boils

Nancy took the hospitality for granted, and Faith saw red. Her blood began to boil each time Nancy left her dirty dishes on the table, threw her clothes on the floor, or went out without inviting her hosts. She never offered to take them out or pay for anything during family outings. Faith couldn’t get over the fact that her well heeled sister would be so selfish, thoughtless and ungrateful. Her buttons were pushed a million times a day during that long weekend. But she never said a word.

Taking It Out On Your Partner

After Nancy left, Faith sniped at Bruno just for being in the same room. All the things she had wanted to tell Nancy, she said to Bruno. “ Wash the dishes before bed!” she commanded. “You can do your own laundry, I’m busy,” she pronounced as he got undressed for bed. “ I paid for the groceries this weekend, so you better pay for the rest of the week,” she vented her anger at him. Her sister had abused her, so now she was going to abuse Bruno.

Hot Button Flames Destroy The Bonds

Bruno was understandably upset and stood up for himself. He wasn’t going to be her whipping boy. Their relationship became tense and frayed as they went into their own corners, avoiding each other and each waiting for an apology. The flames from Faith’s hot buttons were so fierce that it temporarily destroyed the bond between them.

Faith’s path to managing her hot buttons

· create an equal playing field from the get go and make it clear to Nancy what is expected of her if she stays in Faith’s house.

· don’t expect that Nancy will act like a responsible grown up if you let her get away with being an irresponsible child.

· tell Nancy what you want her to do and what her share of the responsibility will be

· let Nancy know what you feel when you feel it, so it doesn’t build up.

That way Faith will get acknowledged, respected and appreciated. Three fewer buttons to push and less strain on Bruno and Faith’s relationship.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

You Push My Hot Buttons And I'll Push Your Hot Buttons

Jay went on a spending spree for new clothes. “ What do you think of this jacket.? Wouldn’t it go well with these pants? Wow, look at the color of that shirt! Cool isn’t it?” Jay babbled excitedly.

Jay’s buttons got pushed by Chad’s Realism
“Yeah but that shirt is pretty expensive.” replied Chad. At that moment Jay’s excitement turned into a hot button of resentment. How dare Chad rain on his parade. He was supposed to be a friend. Chad was supposed to encourage him and make it fun, not put obstacles in the way! A button had been pushed and it made Jay sore. He made purchases with an angry heart.

Chad’s buttons got pushed by Jay’s Selfishness
Jay didn’t notice the bill when it arrived after lunch. Chad tried to bring it to Jay’s attention but Jay was oblivious, chatting on about the impression he thought his clothes would make. This time Chad’s hot buttons were pushed. He felt taken for granted and used. “ You’re a selfish and crafty dude! I always get stuck with the tab whenever we go out. You’re willing to pay a ton of money for those togs, but not split the check with me for lunch! Some friend you are!”

Two Hot Buttons Made For Each Other
Jay’s hot button throbbed when his self-centeredness was exposed. Chad’s hot button sizzled when his expectation that Jay would grow up was revealed. Both were blind. Jay was blind to his self-centeredness, and Chad was blind to the fact that Jay wouldn’t grow up unless forced to. Both were a perfect match for one another.

Hot Buttons Act as Mirrors
Chad’s outburst was the best mirror for Jay to look in. It helped him see how much he relied on Chad to keep him blind to his desire to be a kid forever. Jay’s selfishness and insensitivity gave Chad the nudge he needed to take care of his anger at being used. Both reflected what the other needed to see.

Cooling Each Other’s Buttons
Those buttons can be disengaged and cooled down when both friends start pointing out the necessary to one another. Basically they need to re-negotiate the terms of their friendship. Chad needs to feel that he can say it like he sees without risking losing Jay’s friendship - even though it might sting. Jay needs to appreciate that friendships are not just about getting approval and permission to be self-centered.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Give Me Your Attention Or Else I'm Leaving!

Felix is Irritated By His Wife Having Fun






A nice full stomach and well pleased taste buds tickled Felix’s tongue. He had enjoyed the dinner, but there was a price to pay. He had to hang around and make small talk while his wife sang songs and played the piano with her friends. He stuffed his irritation, told himself it wouldn’t be for ever, and tried to pass the time in a tolerable way. They had agreed before the party that when he was ready to go, he would signal her and she would bow out of the group. That was the condition on which he had agreed to go to this party given by her friends that he didn’t particularly like.

Felix is Restless and Restentful
A half hour later he had discovered every book title his hosts owned, every CD they stacked near the stereo and read a stray magazine. He looked over at his wife who was in her element enjoying the camaraderie of her friends as they sang familiar tunes. Felix made faces at her, pointing to his watch and making head movements suggesting it was time to leave.

Another ten minutes into the signaling back and forth made Felix hopping mad.

“One more song” she said and turned back to the group. Her procrastination infuriated him. It pushed his buttons so hard that he threatened to leave without her. He threw out a challenge. Them or me!

Monica withdrew in embarrassment and left with Felix. In the car on the way home she asked
“ Why do you always have to spoil my fun?”

Envy and Fear Trigger Felix’s Hot Button
Felix was consumed with envy. His hot button flared up when he felt the absence of Monica’s attention. It touched that nerve that throbbed with fear that without her focused attention he didn’t exist. That primal fear triggered his hot buttons and he acted accordingly - making a scene that demonstrated his distress and need for his wife’s full attention.

Managing the Hot Button and Saving The Marriage
Felix risks sabotaging his marriage if he doesn’t attend to this hot button. He can begin to deal with his fears by following these suggestions:
· Give himself attention by setting up activities that he enjoys
· Find separate interests with new groups of people and then share them with his wife, so that both can have lives outside of one another.



Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

My Monster Has Shown Up! Now She's Really Going To Leave Me!

Suspicion Sets Off The Alarm
Vic was having a great time at a holiday party, until he saw his fiance Cora smile and talk to another guy. The fire alarm inside him rang so loud that he had to take action. He went over and called her 'a bitch', 'a two-timer', and a liar. He accused her of stringing him along, pretending to care for him and having no sensitivity or loyalty. His betrayal hot button had been pushed big time. All it took was to see his loved one near other guys.

His voice was cracked, hard, bitter and gritty, rasping at Cora. His red face was contorted, muscles tight with fury and rage that came out in a tone that was designed to skin her alive.

Shame and Terror Overcome Vic
A day or so later, Vic was terrified that Cora would leave him. How could she tolerate this kind of explosion that came from an illogical suspicion? He knew there was no evidence that she was anything but loyal and loving to him. But when they were around other guys and there was booze around, the alarm bells went off and he became filled with anxiety and fear.

Vic's Monster
Vic felt lucky to have a wonderful finance. He couldn't quite believe that someone as kind and loving as Cora wanted to settle down with him. They planned to buy a house and get married in the next few months. But what now? She had seen the monster inside him. Wouldn't she shrink from it as fast as possible?

The Trigger of Betrayal
He was scared of it. This angry monster that came out of nowhere after all the years he had tried to control it. He tried anger management, he tried anti-anxiety medications, and talking about his feelings. He thought he got it licked. But when the trigger of betrayal was pulled it was as if he was a puppet in the gunman's hands.

Vicious Cycle of Self-Sabotage
Viv had been badly burned in previous relationships. His protective instincts were on guard every second of his life. It was so vigilant that innocent events were seen through the lens of suspicion and that set off the hot buttons, leading to his outburts. Then came the shame, the self-hate, the expectation that he would be abandoned. What a vicious cycle of self-sabotage!

Hostage to Destrutive Forces
Vic grew up in a family that never spoke about their feelings when they were upset. If anyone felt hurt or misunderstood they drank or they withdrew. They didn't talk and clear things up. There was no way for Vic to learn what was happening in these moments, so he developed an over zealous protective radar. Now it is getting in his way of keeping good people in his life.

Taking The Heat Out Of The Hot Button
Vic would do well to tell Cora about his family life and his experiences of getting burned. He needs to try to make holes in the wall that goes up when ever he feels threatened and vulnerable. Those holes can let in genuine care and reliability. Then Vic won't have to put Cora to the test, or wear those destructive lenses in his world viewer glasses. Their mutual dialogue can begin the process of trust.


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.