Do You See Red When You Get Emotionally Blackmailed?

Agreements Get Turned On Their Heads
Bree got ready for her girls night out. Neal had agreed to look after the kids and she was free to let loose. As she put on her shoes Neal’s voice shattered her peaceful moment.
“ Tim’s been coughing. I think he‘s getting worse. Sure you still want to go out?”

Emotional Blackmail Triggers a Hot Button
Bree’s heart flew out of her chest. Her jaw tightened, her teeth ground together and her body went rigid. Gasps of indignation and disbelief gathered in her throat. “ What! YOU pushed me to go out yesterday. YOU told me to take a break. YOU said you would be fine with Tim! Now, just before I leave you throw me this line! You cunning swine!” blasted Bree who reeled with outrage.

“ Well I thought Tim would be better by now. You know the doctor said we have to watch him carefully.” Neal continued with his emotionally blackmailing guilt trip.

Why is Neal Engaging in Blackmail?
When Neal initially encouraged Bree to have her night out, he was in a good place, feeling secure and connected to his wife. At that moment they were both parents united in caring for their son. As the time came for Bree to go out, Neal was in a very different place. He was feeling envious that Bree was free to enjoy herself while he had to sacrifice himself and take care of their son. It was just like those times when his parents went out and left him to look after his little sister. He hadn’t been able to say anything then. But now he could. Feeling uncoupled and angry with Bree, it was as if she had turned into his mother, abdicating her responsibility to take care of him and his sister. So he brought out the cannon of guilt. He used emotional blackmail, the only way he could ensure his wife stayed with him.

What’s Bree’s Hot Button?
It had been so wonderful to get Neal’s permission and encouragement to go out on her own. He appeared to sense her need for a break and wanted her to enjoy herself. For once he was putting her first. Then like a bolt from the blue he switched his position, making snide threats. Her self-esteem was crushed. Neal put her in a catch-22 situation. If she went out she would feel guilty and not enjoy herself, never mind the outcast she would be when she came back. If she gave into Neal, he would get the upper hand and spoil the partnership between them. She would resent him and want to take revenge. It was just like her father telling her she was beautiful and worthy of a good date, and then stopping her from dating anyone! A whole set of dry tinder just waiting to be lit up into a fire of rage.

Cooling Down the Communications
Neal and Bree set each other off whenever they experience some unfinished business from the past. Talking to each other about these hot buttons will make these sores less potent and inflamed. Once Bree understands why it’s so hard for Neal to be left with the kids if she is out enjoying herself, she can take steps to ensure that his old pain isn’t reactivated. Listening to and understanding Bree’s fury at being given double messages helps Neal craft a different message when he feels angry and envious.

Retaining Power In a New Space of Understanding
Talking and understanding each other’s experiences creates space for both Neal and Bree to approach these potential sore spots in ways that offer mutual support. By giving each other a new experience in situations that bring up hot button issues, they take charge of their emotions and retain their power. Not only will they become closer and more equal partners, but they will complete the unfinished business from the past in a positive way.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Why I am Always the Bad Guy?

Lucas Starts Worrying
Tax filing deadline was approaching. Lucas was anxious.
" Have you got all the paperwork together?" he challenged Shirley.

" I have my stuff ready. I don't know about your expenses and receipts." Shirley replied.

" What! You know I put the receipts in the box on the desk." He attacked to defend himself.

Shirley's Hot Button Explodes with Indignation
" You put them in the box. Well so what? I'm sick of reminding you to get things in order. I'm fed up of you making me out to be the irresponsible one, when you don't think about things in advance, you don't get your act together, and you blame me for not doing it for you." Shirley fought back.

Lucas Sticks to His Guns
Lucas was stunned and furious. Irresponsible? How could that be? She was supposed to deal with finance. Shirley ought to make sure all his paper work in order? She always asked him for his documents two months in advance. She didn't do it this time. It was her fault.

Passing The Hot Potato
Neither Lucas or Shirley wanted to be the one to blame. Naturally.

It was shameful for Lucas to be cast as irresponsible. He had gone along with Shirley's previous reminders, taking charge and being in control. He didn't have to bother with these chores. He left it to her gladly.

Whipping Boy Hot Button
Shirley had taken on the job of prodding and poking and goading Lucas because it was easier than finding out later that nothing had been done, and they were both in the river. But as time went on, she was developing a hot button. That of being the whipping boy. She was getting hotter and hotter with anger that she was the policeman and Lucas got away with all his irresponsible misdemeanors.

Removing The Hot Button
Lucas can become more responsible if she doesn't take the job of being his memory and his supervisor. When Shirley makes it clear that she is responsible for her stuff, and Lucas for his, he will rise to the occasion and do his part. Shirley will not have to the be the bad guy anymore. There will be two good guys in a good and respectful partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Are You Mad When You Get Taken For Granted?

Imagining The Good Times

Preparing for her younger sister’s visit put some pep into Faith’s steps. She recalled Nancy’s last visit when they had fun at the beach, going to movies and eating out. The thought of having those precious moments again made Faith feel warm inside.

Disappointment Strikes and Blood Boils

Nancy took the hospitality for granted, and Faith saw red. Her blood began to boil each time Nancy left her dirty dishes on the table, threw her clothes on the floor, or went out without inviting her hosts. She never offered to take them out or pay for anything during family outings. Faith couldn’t get over the fact that her well heeled sister would be so selfish, thoughtless and ungrateful. Her buttons were pushed a million times a day during that long weekend. But she never said a word.

Taking It Out On Your Partner

After Nancy left, Faith sniped at Bruno just for being in the same room. All the things she had wanted to tell Nancy, she said to Bruno. “ Wash the dishes before bed!” she commanded. “You can do your own laundry, I’m busy,” she pronounced as he got undressed for bed. “ I paid for the groceries this weekend, so you better pay for the rest of the week,” she vented her anger at him. Her sister had abused her, so now she was going to abuse Bruno.

Hot Button Flames Destroy The Bonds

Bruno was understandably upset and stood up for himself. He wasn’t going to be her whipping boy. Their relationship became tense and frayed as they went into their own corners, avoiding each other and each waiting for an apology. The flames from Faith’s hot buttons were so fierce that it temporarily destroyed the bond between them.

Faith’s path to managing her hot buttons

· create an equal playing field from the get go and make it clear to Nancy what is expected of her if she stays in Faith’s house.

· don’t expect that Nancy will act like a responsible grown up if you let her get away with being an irresponsible child.

· tell Nancy what you want her to do and what her share of the responsibility will be

· let Nancy know what you feel when you feel it, so it doesn’t build up.

That way Faith will get acknowledged, respected and appreciated. Three fewer buttons to push and less strain on Bruno and Faith’s relationship.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

You Push My Hot Buttons And I'll Push Your Hot Buttons

Jay went on a spending spree for new clothes. “ What do you think of this jacket.? Wouldn’t it go well with these pants? Wow, look at the color of that shirt! Cool isn’t it?” Jay babbled excitedly.

Jay’s buttons got pushed by Chad’s Realism
“Yeah but that shirt is pretty expensive.” replied Chad. At that moment Jay’s excitement turned into a hot button of resentment. How dare Chad rain on his parade. He was supposed to be a friend. Chad was supposed to encourage him and make it fun, not put obstacles in the way! A button had been pushed and it made Jay sore. He made purchases with an angry heart.

Chad’s buttons got pushed by Jay’s Selfishness
Jay didn’t notice the bill when it arrived after lunch. Chad tried to bring it to Jay’s attention but Jay was oblivious, chatting on about the impression he thought his clothes would make. This time Chad’s hot buttons were pushed. He felt taken for granted and used. “ You’re a selfish and crafty dude! I always get stuck with the tab whenever we go out. You’re willing to pay a ton of money for those togs, but not split the check with me for lunch! Some friend you are!”

Two Hot Buttons Made For Each Other
Jay’s hot button throbbed when his self-centeredness was exposed. Chad’s hot button sizzled when his expectation that Jay would grow up was revealed. Both were blind. Jay was blind to his self-centeredness, and Chad was blind to the fact that Jay wouldn’t grow up unless forced to. Both were a perfect match for one another.

Hot Buttons Act as Mirrors
Chad’s outburst was the best mirror for Jay to look in. It helped him see how much he relied on Chad to keep him blind to his desire to be a kid forever. Jay’s selfishness and insensitivity gave Chad the nudge he needed to take care of his anger at being used. Both reflected what the other needed to see.

Cooling Each Other’s Buttons
Those buttons can be disengaged and cooled down when both friends start pointing out the necessary to one another. Basically they need to re-negotiate the terms of their friendship. Chad needs to feel that he can say it like he sees without risking losing Jay’s friendship - even though it might sting. Jay needs to appreciate that friendships are not just about getting approval and permission to be self-centered.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Give Me Your Attention Or Else I'm Leaving!

Felix is Irritated By His Wife Having Fun






A nice full stomach and well pleased taste buds tickled Felix’s tongue. He had enjoyed the dinner, but there was a price to pay. He had to hang around and make small talk while his wife sang songs and played the piano with her friends. He stuffed his irritation, told himself it wouldn’t be for ever, and tried to pass the time in a tolerable way. They had agreed before the party that when he was ready to go, he would signal her and she would bow out of the group. That was the condition on which he had agreed to go to this party given by her friends that he didn’t particularly like.

Felix is Restless and Restentful
A half hour later he had discovered every book title his hosts owned, every CD they stacked near the stereo and read a stray magazine. He looked over at his wife who was in her element enjoying the camaraderie of her friends as they sang familiar tunes. Felix made faces at her, pointing to his watch and making head movements suggesting it was time to leave.

Another ten minutes into the signaling back and forth made Felix hopping mad.

“One more song” she said and turned back to the group. Her procrastination infuriated him. It pushed his buttons so hard that he threatened to leave without her. He threw out a challenge. Them or me!

Monica withdrew in embarrassment and left with Felix. In the car on the way home she asked
“ Why do you always have to spoil my fun?”

Envy and Fear Trigger Felix’s Hot Button
Felix was consumed with envy. His hot button flared up when he felt the absence of Monica’s attention. It touched that nerve that throbbed with fear that without her focused attention he didn’t exist. That primal fear triggered his hot buttons and he acted accordingly - making a scene that demonstrated his distress and need for his wife’s full attention.

Managing the Hot Button and Saving The Marriage
Felix risks sabotaging his marriage if he doesn’t attend to this hot button. He can begin to deal with his fears by following these suggestions:
· Give himself attention by setting up activities that he enjoys
· Find separate interests with new groups of people and then share them with his wife, so that both can have lives outside of one another.



Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

My Monster Has Shown Up! Now She's Really Going To Leave Me!

Suspicion Sets Off The Alarm
Vic was having a great time at a holiday party, until he saw his fiance Cora smile and talk to another guy. The fire alarm inside him rang so loud that he had to take action. He went over and called her 'a bitch', 'a two-timer', and a liar. He accused her of stringing him along, pretending to care for him and having no sensitivity or loyalty. His betrayal hot button had been pushed big time. All it took was to see his loved one near other guys.

His voice was cracked, hard, bitter and gritty, rasping at Cora. His red face was contorted, muscles tight with fury and rage that came out in a tone that was designed to skin her alive.

Shame and Terror Overcome Vic
A day or so later, Vic was terrified that Cora would leave him. How could she tolerate this kind of explosion that came from an illogical suspicion? He knew there was no evidence that she was anything but loyal and loving to him. But when they were around other guys and there was booze around, the alarm bells went off and he became filled with anxiety and fear.

Vic's Monster
Vic felt lucky to have a wonderful finance. He couldn't quite believe that someone as kind and loving as Cora wanted to settle down with him. They planned to buy a house and get married in the next few months. But what now? She had seen the monster inside him. Wouldn't she shrink from it as fast as possible?

The Trigger of Betrayal
He was scared of it. This angry monster that came out of nowhere after all the years he had tried to control it. He tried anger management, he tried anti-anxiety medications, and talking about his feelings. He thought he got it licked. But when the trigger of betrayal was pulled it was as if he was a puppet in the gunman's hands.

Vicious Cycle of Self-Sabotage
Viv had been badly burned in previous relationships. His protective instincts were on guard every second of his life. It was so vigilant that innocent events were seen through the lens of suspicion and that set off the hot buttons, leading to his outburts. Then came the shame, the self-hate, the expectation that he would be abandoned. What a vicious cycle of self-sabotage!

Hostage to Destrutive Forces
Vic grew up in a family that never spoke about their feelings when they were upset. If anyone felt hurt or misunderstood they drank or they withdrew. They didn't talk and clear things up. There was no way for Vic to learn what was happening in these moments, so he developed an over zealous protective radar. Now it is getting in his way of keeping good people in his life.

Taking The Heat Out Of The Hot Button
Vic would do well to tell Cora about his family life and his experiences of getting burned. He needs to try to make holes in the wall that goes up when ever he feels threatened and vulnerable. Those holes can let in genuine care and reliability. Then Vic won't have to put Cora to the test, or wear those destructive lenses in his world viewer glasses. Their mutual dialogue can begin the process of trust.


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Don't You Dare Tell Me To Move On With My Life!

Fate deals an unfair blow - Max is Livid





In a split second Max fell off a ladder, shattered a lumbar disc, ruined his prospects for marriage, and derailed his career. He was livid. His angry energy was absorbed by interminable doctor’s visits, surgeries, and fights with his insurance company.

The reservoir of hate waiting to explode

Max was bathed in support and sympathy from his family, fiancée and friends. They rallied around and helped him get through the first year of struggle for recovery. Together with his pain medications and physical therapy, the network of people caring for him acted as buffers against his volcanic fury. Cocooned in this chrysalis his outrage and resentment swelled into a festering reservoir of hate, waiting to explode.

The hot button trigger - “Get on With Your Life”

Frozen in a time warp, Max couldn’t respond to his fiancée’s encouraging comments. He wasn’t ready to move on. Convinced that it was only a matter of time before she got tired of him, he goaded her about the genuineness of her commitment to him until it wore her down. His self-fulfilling prophecy came true. She left him. He turned down invitations and made excuses for not accepting visitors. It was too much for him to witness their normal lives. Eventually his friends stopped calling. Max became increasingly isolated.

The hot button explodes all over his carers

Max ranted and raved at his incompetent doctors, his lawyer who didn’t win bigger, his fiancée who abandoned him and his friends who forgot him. Indignation, outrage, and pure vengeance competed with his physical pain for his attention. The festering reservoir of hate now had concrete legitimate targets to aim at, in ever increasing numbers.

The power of being a victim

Max felt powerful in his role as a victim. It gave him the right to blame all his carers for ever, and avoid facing the terror of starting his life over. If he couldn’t be the colorful and vibrant butterfly he was destined for, there was no way he was going to emerge from his chrysalis. He would rather let his larva dry up and rot than change course and make himself into a new and equally striking butterfly.

Keeping the past on life support

Max allowed his body to be treated, but his soul was absent. He didn’t want to participate fully and become a traitor to his hopes and ambitions. The life he was once entitled to was being kept on life support, preventing the treatments from working. Pain relief was good from time to time, but transition to a new life was treachery. Anyone who dared suggested it was blasted away by the wrath of the wounded victim.

Death watch or mourn and start again?

His physical pain and mobility issues became the symbols of the past he refused to let go, and a future in which he didn’t want to participate. Max can continue this death watch and finish the job begun by his unfortunate fall, or he can begin the mourning process.

Envy heats up the hot button, empowerment defuses the bomb

Max can’t accept the help of loved ones because he envies them. If he opts to relinquish the power that comes with being a victim, psychotherapy can empower him to have richer and deeper relationships that will mitigate his loss.

Christopher Reeves used his anger in the mourning process to set up stem cell research labs after a horse riding accident paralyzed his body. Al Gore mourned the loss of the presidency by using his anger and grief to become a Nobel prize winner. Both mourned, then made a meaningful new life that touched millions of people. Max, what treasures are waiting to be released in you?


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.